Artemis Fowl: Wreaking Havoc

11. Matchmaking

The next day the Rebel Group came. And by Rebel Group, not just one or two members, maybe throw in the leader. Rebel Group as in the whole lot, in their dozens of uninvited glory.

  Artemis Fowl was in the shower when they arrived. Face upturned towards the hot spray, his eyes were closed as he tried to wash away memories from that one night in his bedroom. A thump on the bathroom door was not enough to rouse the boy from the very depths of his despair and utter, utter hopelessness, where he was metaphorically drowning. He only switched off the tap after the fifth thump, which was surprising considering that the man doing the thumping had to be roughly half the mass of an elephant, even if Artemis was drowning in the depths of his despair and utter hopelessness.

  "What is it, Butler?" he demanded, drying himself and getting dressed quickly. "What happened?"

  "The Rebel Group has come to pay us a visit."

  Artemis froze, one hand on the towel over his head and the other on the door handle. That voice was decidedly feminine, and had not spoken to him since the painful event.

  "I - all right. Thank you, Holly." 

  "It would be nice if you came out and sorted things out, Artemis," Butler's voice wafted into the bathroom. "Currently they are outside because we have refused them entry. It would be a good idea to make a reasonably good first impression, so hurry if you can."

  Sighing, Artemis checked his reflection - for what had to be the first time in his life - and opened the door. Must everyone rely on him so much? Sure, he was a genius, but there was also a thing called initiative.

  As Artemis stepped out of the bathroom, Holly couldn't help but stare. Artemis was dressed in a suit as usual, but he looked somehow more vulnerable, more like a teenage boy, as he stood there rubbing his wet black hair with a towel, which showed her for once an Artemis with his hair not combed carefully atop his head. In fact, it was spiking up a fair bit.

  Artemis caught her stare and instantly felt self-conscious, swallowing a strangely dry throat and clutching the towel tighter.

  "I – uh – your hair looks nice," said Holly, trying to excuse her staring.

  "Uh...thank you."

  The tension between the two was so strong that the very air seemed to shimmer like cam foil. Butler wondered what was up with them, then decided that he didn't want to know - for all the romance novels he had read, he found he didn't enjoy being present as a real-life one brewed: especially when it was clearly going so bad. Instead, taking pity on the two who were now staring determinedly in opposite directions, he broke the silence.

  "We should go. We have kept the group long enough, and distracting Foaly and Trouble can only last so long before they see them."

  At this, Artemis became alert. He had not been thinking properly for the last five minutes - how had he failed to realise that Butler was talking so freely about the Rebel Group with  Holly around, when in theory the bodyguard shouldn't know that Holly knew everything?

  Knowing the question before it was asked, Butler added, "and Holly and I told each other what we knew about the group." The knowing look in guys eyes told Artemis that he knew about his plan in tricking the Rebel Group, but could not say so out loud with Teteph's bugs all over the house. "We conversed through paper. Primitive to you maybe, but I cannot believe you neglected to think of that."

  Artemis made a sound in the back of his throat as the three walked. "So, what am I going to tell Teteph and the rest of her precious group when they see I didn't keep the matter entirely secret? Even as we speak, this conversation is highly likely to be in the process of recording." He gazed up at the ceiling, almost mockingly, and added, "although why Teteph has such little trust in me I don't know."

  Butler shrugged. "Teteph already knows that I know, seeing as I was present during the deal and all. It would be strange if I didn't. And Holly - well, aside from being a possible asset to your plan as LEP captain, she's also your lover of sorts."

  Artemis, who had been taking a drink out of a bottle, choked. Holly felt blood rush to her face faster than flying sprites. Butler gave them a warning glance, surreptitiously flicking his eyes to the ceiling where those minuscule bugs must be.

  The three reached the front door in what felt like a million years. Artemis motioned Holly back, muttering that her aggressor could be out there, and then proceeded to open the door and step outside with Butler.

  The teenager stared at the group before him. It looked like a cluster of oddities, not as dangerous as he had almost hoped they'd look; but he knew that looks could be deceiving, even fatal. These fairies were mad.

  Artemis did a quick count. There were four dwarves, stout and hairy and extremely unimpressive. Five elves, six sprites, three more dwarves, one pixie. Artemis groaned inwardly; was his enemy to be another pixie? But one of the elves stepped forwards instead, hand outstretched. 

  "Ivan, so good to meet you at last, Master Fowl," he said somberly. I introduce the Rebel Group and its members, Pat, Beatrice, Lyle, Ka-,"

  "Yes, very well," said Artemis, not very interested in learning the eighteen odd names. "I think it would be fairly careless of me to allow you all to enter the manor, so you may inhabit the farmhouse behind it."

  The Rebel Group, which had been dreaming of living the life in the sprawling land of the Fowl Estate - the almost only reason the entire group was present - were understandably outraged. 

  Amidst cries of "no fair!" "I want to go home!" and "did he say the *farmhouse*?", Artemis added, "all I need is one member, two at most. Not the entire group." 

  Ivan looked fairly peeved.

  "We have journeyed far to give the Alpha Drive and gold. We did not expect to live in a farmhouse."

  "I did not expect nineteen fairies, none of whom I can trust," Artemis replied. "Besides, I believe you will be impressed with the state of the farmhouse. It has a skylight."

Artemis knew what he was doing. The farmhouse was a huge thing, and far too impressive to be believed to be what it really was. The Rebel Group had decided that they were happy enough to live in it, Artemis's prediction truer than they had initially thought. The place had a heated spa that they were allowed to fill with pre-packaged mud they had brought along just in case, for goodness sake. Nothing got better than that. 

  After being warned by Ivan, the group agreed to remain hidden in the farmhouse until Artemis brought humans and fairies together, out of sight of Trouble and Foaly. Then the gold would be handed over.

Ivan had originally disapproved of Holly's knowledge on the whole thing. However, Teteph convinced him that Holly would find out anyway because she and Artemis were in love ("and besides, is this not an excellent step to integration?").

  Teteph was, apparently, a great romantic and self-proclaimed matchmaker.

Because I realise how…err…confusing my wording may have been in this chapter, I’ll just make some points clear: Artemis was shocked that Butler wasn’t…shocked about Holly’s knowledge on the plan, because the boy had thought that Butler had thought that the deal was only known between Artemis, Butler and Teteph. But Butler didn’t know the whole story (as in, Artemis wasn’t really planning on going through with the deal) but Holly did – she told him what she knew because they’re, well, friends. And Artemis and Holly have to sort of act like they’re ‘lovers’ for Artemis to have the Rebel Group’s trust (seeing as he told someone else the plan).

I may or may not have made the whole thing even more confusing.