confusion's illusion

what you did

I know you wanna know what you did.

Honestly, I don't remember it all.

But when I get really quiet , like on a full moon night at 00:00 or a Saturday at 5 am, or perhaps a random moment in my day when I should be working; the memories will come flooding.
I can't stop them.
All I see is them.
I cant run from them.
I dont hide, cause I wanna see then for what they were. (Or weren't)

And then I remember them clear and loud. It's like I'm replaying a vivid dream in my mind. But it's even clearer than that sometimes. I feel like I'm right there again.

I knew thinking about it all over again would manifest it back into my life.

But I knew there was still healing to be done. So I let it wash over me.
I didnt suppress the memories or tried to look away from them.
I let them be.
And they were.

They came in waves. And there were a lot.

And before I knew it we were talking again.
I knew there was such I wanted to say. But I didn't want to bring it up.

We talked a few times, quite a lot, before I brought it up.
But only because I was driven to that point.

I'm always direct and straight to the point. And I couldn't keep guessing or assuming anymore. I've done that to much. I needed to know.

So I asked: This is about me isn't it?

You said: No

It's so ironic how history repeats itself when lessons aren't learned.
Is it me or you, I don't know.

But I think I finally get it now.

It's my fault for letting it get so far.
I didn't listen to myself.