Present

8.3

Audrey

Next thing I knew, I was standing outside of the only funeral home in Gwen's town. I couldn't help but feel grateful that her hometown wasn't too far away from my apartment. I surely would have chickened out by the time we got here. I felt frozen, unable to move from the car. The hairs on my arms prickled. I didn't even notice when Mom got out the car and walked around to the passenger side. I jumped, startled, as she opened my door.

"Let's go, sweetie. You can do this." She held out her hand to me and I grabbed it and climbed out of the car. I smoothed my skirt and ran my fingers through my hair. I could do this, if only for a moment.

I locked arms with her as we took our first steps toward the entrance of the funeral home. It took every ounce of my energy to focus on putting one foot in front of the other without stumbling. All my knees wanted to do was collapse and, for a moment, I wasn't sure that my body would make it. But it did.

We paused at the door, and I looked down. If I looked at the faces, at her old friends, her parents, if I saw their sadness, I wouldn't be able to contain mine. It would make it too real. My mom squeezed my arm; she was full of supportive gestures today. I was grateful; we both knew I needed it. I took a deep breath and we took a step inside.

I quickly glanced up, avoiding eye contact with anyone who might be wondering who I was. I didn't recognize anyone. I was in a room full of strangers, who probably thought I had no right to be here since I wasn't some vague memory from her childhood like the rest of the visitors were. I wasn't ready to see her, not yet. But I still could help myself from feeling possessive of her as I noticed people already standing at her casket, hugging and shaking hands with her parents. They were people I didn't even know, people I had never heard of. Were they even really her friends? Or the people that her parents thought were her friends?

Somewhere in the middle of my thought, we migrated to a wall in an effort to avoid getting sucked up by the crowd of strangers. I would have given anything in that moment to just disappear. I would've given anything to be invisible.

"Are you ready?" Mom whispered. I nodded, and looked toward Gwen's mom. Even at the wake of her only child she seemed so put together. How could she be okay when I felt like my world had fallen apart?

I took a step forward, holding my head high. A chill wash over me, as if my blood in my veins had turned to ice. Goosebumps raised on my exposed forearms. Maybe my body was reacting to the anxiety of the situation, maybe my body was rejecting the pain I knew I was about to feel. But it didn't matter, because it was not or never.

I couldn't live with myself if it were never.

The people around me seemed to move in slow motion and I reached Mr. and Mrs. Barton faster than I anticipated. Mrs. Barton clasped my hands in hers before I even stopped walking.

"Thank you for coming," she said, her smile stretched across her face, though it didn't quite meet her eyes. I couldn't blame her, I was wanting to smile either but I forced myself to.

"I wouldn't miss it," I said quietly. "She was my closest friend."

The word friend burnt my throat like a shot of liquor that I wasn't prepared for. My eyes felt full, as if someone had turned on the faucet and had forgotten to switch it off. I swallowed hard and blinked. I would hold myself together.

"Yes," Mrs. Barton mused, "We tried to keep it small, family and closest friends only. She wouldn't have wanted something big, filled with strangers she hardly even knew."

It took every fiber of self-control that I could muster to not scoff. People she was close with? Gwen's parents didn't even actually know her or the people Gwen actually spent her time with. Looking around the room, the only people there were kids she didn't even talk to anymore. The room was a past life, a secret life, a life where Gwen was so terrified of being cast out by her family that she lived a lie to keep them happy. And I hated them for it.

Then, as if she were ready for me to go away, Mrs. Barton hugged me. I stiffed and patted her back. As soon as it happened, it was over. I smiled at them and left them with a slight nod. I walked back to my mother, and tried to keep myself from sprinting.

"How did it go?" she asked.

"As well as can be expected," I said curtly. "We need to go. Now please."