Present

12.1

Gwen

I followed her. I was a balloon tethered to her as if she were a young child pulling me along in her tiny fingers. Expect I was tethered to her heart strings, floating along behind her. There were plenty of possibilities I considered after death, but being a balloon was not one of them. But, then again, I also hadn't anticipated dying at twenty-one.

It was Audrey's first day back at class, and it had been an entire week. My sense of time seemed to be buried in the ground with my body. I couldn't tell if it felt like it had been a few hours or a few lifetimes. Audrey stepped into the classroom and took her seat in the middle of the room, and I took the empty one beside her. I supposed I really didn't have a need to sit, but why should I deny myself the little things that make me feel normal? I would have given almost anything for an ounce of normal, to breathe, to feel, to go back to class even if Mondays were the bane of my existence.

I didn't pay much attention to their discussions. After all, it wasn't like I could ever contribute to them. Besides, the English world had always belonged to Audrey. She could find themes and symbolism and clues that would've slipped right over my head. Don't get me wrong, I loved to read, but I never went further than the story in front of me. I just wanted the pure enjoyment out of it, the taste of escapism. The gears in my brain worked much better when you stuck money in front of me.

The class ended, and I stood up to leave but Audrey stayed and talked to Professor Young. Audrey had Professor Young every year for one class or another. I supposed in a world where you analyze characters and their motives and humanity, that created a bit of a bond. I was never lucky enough to have that in the Business Department at Barnette. I supposed that my professors might have mentioned it once or twice that I had passed away and wouldn't be back to class and then never given me a second thought. What a community.

My attention was caught as they began to talk about us. My unbeating heart caught in my throat when Professor Young mentioned counseling. The thought of Audrey moving on made every fiber of my being ache. I could help but picture a world where she got over me like a generic traumatic event and found someone new to marry and start a family with. I would never have that. I would be frozen in my twenty one year old body forever, and who knows where I will be if I ever manage t move on. An even deeper fear plunged ice through my body. What if Audrey moved on and I couldn't?

I wanted to cry, I wished I could but I wasn't sure if tears were even a thing that I could form anymore. Maybe Audrey would move on and forget me and start her life, but I couldn't bear the thought of being tethered to her throughout it. It would be impossible to let go while watching her live the life that we were supposed to have together with someone else. As much as I wanted my life back, I didn't want to be trapped here either.

Professor Young was talkingabout Audrey finding her new normal but what about mine? This wasn't fair. I couldn'tgrow an adapt, I had to figure out why I was stuck and let go of it in order tomove on to something terrifyingly unknown. Audrey had all the support in theworld from her professors, her parents, and spencer, but I had no one. No onecould see me or talk to me and the loneliness weighed on my chest like anexhausted elephant. Audrey was surrounded by love and I was abandoned byeveryone.