My Virtual Darcy 🏆 2021 Wattys Shortlister

15 - The Swan and the Ostrich

"Mr. Collins, my lady." Hill's stern voice invigorated the languid atmosphere of the breakfast room.

A generous share of pound cake was added to Mrs. Bennet's plate. Mary's chocolate mug shook as she put it down on the table. I straightened myself, and kept my gaze trained to the dry toast I was buttering.

After the butler left the family alone, Mrs. Bennet nodded to her visitor. "Good morning, Mr. Collins. We missed you at breakfast."

Did not.

"May I hope, madam, for your interest with your fair daughter, when I solicit for the honour of a private audience with her in the course of this morning?"

The answer was instantaneous. "Oh dear!--yes--certainly. I am sure she will be very happy--I am sure she can have no objection."

I sighed, the beginning of a headache buzzing between my eyebrows. Couldn't the man read between the lines? I was not interested, and never would be. It broke my heart to lose Charlotte to such an idiot, but I needed to be at Rosings to receive Darcy's love confession.

Mrs. Bennet tore me away from my thoughts by clearing her throat. "Come, Lizzy."

Where? Where did Collins want to ask my hand? This place was good as any--or as bad as any, depending on how you looked at it.

"Mr. Collins wishes for a private audience with your sister. I want you up stairs." Without ceremony, she put my toast down and tugged at my wrist.

I stared at Mary's deep blush and at my Collins' impatient frown. "But... but..."

"Lizzy, I insist upon your coming with me." Mrs. Bennet's glare left no room for discussion.

We walked off, but as soon as the door was shut, Mrs. Bennet leant against it to eavesdrop. I gaped at her, but curiosity got the best of me. Forgetting all manners and respect for privacy, I mimicked her, my ear on the wooden panel.

Mr. Collins' proposal started as such.

"My dear Miss Mary, allow me to assure you that I have your respected mother's permission for this address. You can hardly doubt the purport of my discourse, however your natural delicacy may lead you to dissemble; my attentions have been too marked to be mistaken. Almost as soon as I entered the house, I singled you out as the companion of my future life. But before I am run away with by my feelings on this subject, perhaps it would be advisable for me to state my reasons for marrying--and, moreover, for coming into Hertfordshire with the design of selecting a wife, as I certainly did."

I snorted at the mention of Mr. Collins' feelings, but Mrs. Bennet shushed me, pinching my nose with the speed of a kung-fu master.

In the breakfast room, the young man went on. "My reasons for marrying are, first, that I think it a right thing for every clergyman in easy circumstances (like myself) to set the example of matrimony in his parish; secondly, that I am convinced that it will add very greatly to my happiness; and thirdly--which perhaps I ought to have mentioned earlier, that it is the particular advice and recommendation of the very noble lady whom I have the honour of calling patroness."

Marrying because Lady Pain-in-the-arse had suggested to do so. This monologue was comedy gold.

"Twice has she condescended to give me her opinion (unasked too!) on this subject; and it was but the very Saturday night before I left Hunsford--between our pools at quadrille, while Mrs. Jenkinson was arranging Miss de Bourgh's footstool, that she said, 'Mr. Collins, you must marry. A clergyman like you must marry. Choose properly, choose a gentlewoman for my sake; and for your own, let her be an active, useful sort of person, not brought up high, but able to make a small income go a good way. This is my advice. Find such a woman as soon as you can, bring her to Hunsford, and I will visit her.'"