It's Us

34

9 months without Amria

Will places the newborn in my arms and I hold them close to my chest. Travis holds me in his arms and we cry together. Moments ago the baby wasn't making a sound. Hours and hours of labor, and we weren't sure if our child was breathing.

"What's wrong?" Travis asked from behind me. I lay panting, trying to catch my breath.

"Give us a moment, Mr. Stoll." Was all a nurse told us as they whisked the newborn away, onto a table.

"The baby..." I managed, "Whats going on with our baby?"

"Why isn't the baby crying? Tell us what's going on!" Travis' voice began to to raise. I flinched at the volume.

"Travis...shh," I closed my eyes. I began to shake. My baby, our baby, is our baby going to be okay?

Tears welled up in my eyes. I couldn't loose another child. I lost Amria-Lily, she's been gone for so long...we can't loose our newborn.

"I'm sorry, Katie," Travis held me close. "I'm sorry my love, I'll be quiet. Are you okay?"

The room started spinning. Stars collected at the edges of my vision but I couldn't pass out. It would not only scare my husband to death, but also take some of the doctor's attention away from the baby. I had to hold on. I had to.

I nodded numbly.

Beside me Travis began a prayer to the gods. He prayed to Apollo to help the doctors. He prayed to Hera to help our family. He prayed to his father to give him strength. He prayed to my mother to help me through this. It felt like forever until the baby's cry sounded through the room and both my husband and myself let out a withheld breath.

Now I relax into Travis' chest with tear brimmed eyes as the newborn lies on mine.

"Congratulations, Mr. and Mrs. Stoll." A nurse says, "she's beautiful."

"She?" I ask.

"Yes, you guys have a strong, beautiful baby girl."

I look at Travis. "A girl."

"A girl." He repeats. His eyes are watery too. Oh, Amria.

"Is there a name yet?"

I shake my head the room's spinning slows.

"That's okay," the nurse says. "We do have to put her in the incubator for a couple weeks, but you can see her everyday."

"Oh, okay," I nod, I blink away the stars in the corner of my vision and the tears welling in my eyes. "Can I hold her for a little longer?"

"For a few more moments, I suppose, but we do want to put her in the NICU as soon as possible."

A faint knock on the door catches all of our attentions and it opens to reveal another nurse. "Sorry to interrupt, a few visitors just wanted to see you."

The nurse steps aside and reveals two people behind him. The stars and the spinning don't help when trying to recognize them.

"Awww, the baby is so little." A voice says. I instantly recognize it as Rosie's. I smile at the taller of the two.

"Rosie," Travis beams at my little sister. "Oh, I miss you, kiddo."

"I'm not a kiddo anymore," Rosie smiles. "But I missed you to. How do you feel, Katie?"

She tries to walk towards me but the nurses stop her. "We should being the baby to the NICU now, we don't want her to get exposed to germs."

"Oh, okay." I mutter and the doctors take my newborn away. I suddenly feel at a loss. Or, a bigger loss. "I'm managing," I mutter.

Travis gives me a water bottle and as I drink, the stars fade away.

My eyes drift to the smaller person who has stayed quiet.  "Is this a camper?"

The camper wears a baggy orange t-shirt and shorts. Their oversized, ill fitting shirt sits funny on their body, and their hair cropped close to their head resembles a buzz cut makes me believe the camper is a boy. Rosie shares a look with them before answering. "Yes, a new one...kind of..."

"Hi," a feminine voice says.

"Wait—" Travis frowns. 

"Don't yell at me—" Rosie flinched.

I blink. The stars are gone. The room stops spinning. My eyes focus. The shorter figure gives a small wave. Her voice echoing in my head.

"Wait!" Travis exclaims again.

My voice gets caught in my throat.

"It's me." Amria says. "I'm sorry."

She begins to step closer and moves to the side of my bed. She apologizes again and again and again, tears stream down her face. I lie in the bed, speechless as I cup her face in my hands.

Travis engulfs the two of us in a hug and shakes. Amria apologizes for running causing us pain. For not saying goodbye. For being reckless. For not coming home. For lying to Rosie. For everything. Over and over again she apologizes as tears stream down all of our faces.

"My love," I wrap my arms around her as she clings to me. "Thank the gods you're safe."

She is not dead. She is not injured. She is not starving. She is not lost. Amria is safe. She is in our arms again.

I pull back and examine her face. Her eyes match mine in brown color, but are not as soft—they're stronger, harder. Her face thin but not frail; instead fierce. Her arms holding her father and I are strong with muscles, trained. I brush a hand over what used to be dark blonde curls, and is now shaved. A catch of light reflects a shining on her nose—a piercing. I cant help but bring her back into my hold and her hug her tighter.

Amria is here.

june 2, 2020
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