Right Behind You

Chapter Twenty-Nine: Dreams

"Now here you go again
You say you want your freedom
Well, who am I to keep you down?
It's only right that you should
Play the way you feel it
But listen carefully to the sound
Of your loneliness

Like a heartbeat... drives you mad
In the stillness of remembering what you had
And what you lost...
And what you had...
And what you lost

Thunder only happens when it's raining
Players only love you when they're playing
Say... Women... they will come and they will go
When the rain washes you clean... you'll know, you'll know."

-Fleetwood Mac (Dreams)

Kae:

I drove for the longest amount of time, rarely stopping to take a break I honestly didn't know where I was going at all, my brain felt as if it were in a vacant tunnel. I just followed the road signs that pushed me further and further away from where I came from. For the past few months I felt as if my thoughts were in the clouds like I wasn't living in my body; not for a second did I feel connected to the things I was seeing, feeling, or doing. I was simply existing.

Whenever I would try to find the strength to speak, nothing would come out. It was as if someone were physically holding my voice box hostage, it was a sensation I don't think I would ever be able to explain. I had ultimately become a shell of my former self, I still had no idea what I wanted to do with myself at this point in life, I felt hopeless. My dreams were just filled with constant flashbacks of what happened to me down there and I longed with everything in my heart that I could erase the memory, but it wouldn't go anywhere. So, I stayed in my mind, in this little empty corner where I thought about nothing, did nothing, felt nothing. It was just darkness, emptiness, lifelessness. It was safe.

Down in that room, I had met someone. She was from my dreams...my doppelgänger. Her dark, wet sickly hair clung to her face as the sweat beading down her forehead to her nose, her chin, then down to the floor, she walked upon. Her eyes were so empty rivaling a black hole, she had a painful smile inching towards me with her hand stretched out. Her clothes were overtly oversized for her frail body she appeared as if she were drowning in them. She continued shuffling towards me, hand outstretched, twisted smile.

And still, I found myself enamored by her.

"Come with me, I can keep you safe. I can take you away from all of this."

You'll be safe with me, she promised and I believed her. That day I took her hand and I found my safe space in my mind. I never wanted to leave. It was warm there, not much to do but it was okay because time didn't really make sense in there, and no bad thoughts. Just emptiness.

Then the day of my birthday came, that was the most present I felt in my body and I hated it every second of it. My attention had focused so intently on the fire of the candle as if it were telling me something. I was hearing voices talk to me.

Blow out the candle Kae, blow.

I listened and did my best puckering my lips wide enough so I could blow, but I hadn't realized how weak my physical body had become; I wasn't eating like I was before and I had no appetite, I had only managed to blow out one of the candles. Then I started hearing the voice again, it was calling out to me from outside the French windows.

Come to me, baby. Come to mama Kae.

Mom? I had thought.

Yes, it's me. Come so we can be together again. My body moved on its own, shakily I had gotten up from my chair and made my way to the window. The voice got louder and I pulled the handles of the window open, my skin felt the coolness of the air hit me like a splash of water to the face. Down there in the grass, my mother stood in all white. She looked so beautiful, her arms were outstretched, she was glowing, everything around her seemed to be vibrating. She was happy.