Older Brothers | ✔

t h i r t y t h r e e

We drove off in the morning, the sun wasn't even up yet, but only one hour later the sky seemed like a painting.

I drove in a car with Victor and Elijah, I learned that my brothers always drive with the same two cars to the jail.

And to decide who will drive in which they put their names in a hat and the luck decides.

Actually I didn't feel entirely comfortable with Victor in one car, but it wasn't an issue for long, because my father was the thing that made me worry more.

I tried not to set any expectations or tried to imagine what could happen, it will only lead to disappointment.

My heart craves for the love of a father, yet I don't want to be as foolish as usual.

I will not expect this man to have the same feelings for me, that I have for him. After all his heart is different from mine.

He managed to never contact me his entire life, he managed to leave me in an abusive household, he managed to make people hide my existence.

He managed to do all that, without turning his head for me, without trying to reach his hand out for me.

Maybe he feels guilty about it or maybe he simply doesn't.

Right now I was nobody to him, even if he is my father, for him I may be just an nuisance.

A child that happened, because he wasn't careful enough.

Why am I stressing myself over someone who never asked me if I was okay my entire life?

I grabbed into my small bag, with shacking fingers trying to get my ear plugs out.

I couldn't handle my thoughts longer, I need to listen to music on full volume.

"Do you want to listen to music?" Elijah noticed my discomfort and smiled at me. "You can connect your phone to the car, I am sick of this silence, too."

Victor glanced at me through the mirror, while he was driving, still he kept quiet.

Elijah helped me connect my phone to the car and I scrolled through my playlist to find a song that everyone will enjoy.

The song The Chain from Fleetwood Mac started playing and I regretted putting this song on.

For me this song was the definition of having daddy issues after watching a special marvel movie.

After this song my phone started playing a random song out of my playlist.

Left Outside Alone from Anastacia played and I wanted to bump my head against a car door.

What was with this song choices, I really love all these songs, but they don't really make me forget anything.

"Okay, Lilith, yes, great songs, just let us try something different." Elijah disconnected my phone. "You know what, let me play some songs, you're songs are kind of reminding me of the first time I went to visit dad in prison."

He laughed it off, but I think I made Elijah as stressed as me.

After listening to a bunch of rap songs, I really loosened up a little.

I enjoyed some of the songs and what I really loved was that Elijah tried to rap as well.

When the three hour drive finally ended, we parked in front of a dull looking big grey square.

The windows were all barred and the high walls at the back were protected with barbed wires.

Leaving the car, I felt my heart race and I gulped once, before following my brothers inside.