The red zone

Haunted

I toss and turn, restless, I can't find my sleep. I thought staying over at Torres would help me but I feel like I should have stayed over in my room. I toss again. Put my hand under the pillow, search for my phone. "Found it". I unlock it. Let me search for something to read. I go to my downloads searching for books I downloaded and haven't read till to this day. I love books, but sometimes they can be a chore instead of leisure. I look over Torres, he's sleeping peacefully like a baby, and I here, I just toss and turn. This psychological thing is reviving things that are supposed to be buried.

2011

I come running to my room, scared. What had just happened? I ask myself in shock. I open the door, take off my shoes and get in the blankets. Sob quietly, wiping my tears. I can't believe he just did that to me. A little bit of grown breasts, nipples showing on your t-shirt, a curved body does not mean I want to be touched all over. I looked up to him, as my brother but he destroyed all of that. How am I supposed to look at him from now on? I know I would love to be touched but not by him. I stop sobbing. Talk me to sleep.

I hear a door open,  "Bama! Wake up. It's 10:00. Don't you know that a woman is supposed to be up by this time of the day. Lazy women never get married". I keep my silence. I just get up and start fixing my bedding. "Wow! You slept in your casual clothes, what are pyjamas for then? If you don't need them, tell me, I will pass them over, they are kids who are worth deserving of them. You ungrateful child. You said you want pyjamas, I get them for you. You don't wear them, they have become a collection of one of those clothes you don't wear in the wardrobe". "Sorry Ma, I forgot to put them on yesterday, I wasn't feeling so well". She keeps quiet and scans me as I move around putting the pillows on the bed.  I sit on the bed and look at her waiting to get more chastening from mommy. She sits on the bed. Okay, I sense trouble. She opens her mouth, oh Lord here it goes; "I know you slept like this because you were from that boy from the corner house. What were you doing there that late because I know it wasn't schoolwork? If you want to start fooling around with boys little girl, you will get pregnant" "mom it was just a hangout. Petunia was there", "so I am supposed to feel better because Petunia was there. That girl is loose, she is already starting to date older guys than her and she's only 13 years old, do you want that too? If you want that life, you will go and reside with your dad because I can't deal with that kinda drama. You should look at your background and stay away from that girl, the guy from the corner house if you want a better future. You should be like Sbu, he's such a well-mannered boy, learn from him", she concludes her chastening. Now let me plead my case, "Mom, it's not like that I and that guy are not dating_", she interrupts me, " so I should feel better. Remember Beauty, got impregnated by Lewis's brother without being in a relationship. You kids these days are reckless, you just have sex and thinking it won't have consequences", "Mom Sbu touched me". I bluntly say it. I trust her. She looks at me blankly and speechless. Then she becomes angry. She pushes back her anger and takes a very deep loud breath. "What happened? Are you sure?", "Mom yes. He put his fingers inside me. He threatened to kill me. I was scared. I came back late, passed by the sitting room and I found him sitting right there on the one person sofa, and he asked me to join him. He made coffee, we drank it with biscuits, and we were talking, then he asked if he could put his finger on my womanhood, I said no, and he starts going on all about Lewis, and he said he wants to check if I am still a virgin, he won't do much, just put his finger in and out like that, and he will be done, and I said no still; then he threatened to beat with the hammer that was sitting next to the two-person sofa, then I slowly open my legs. And he told me to take off my underwear, and I did out of fear. He told me to sit on the sofa, I couldn't say no he had the hammer with him and I was super scared. He put his fingers inside me, Mama, then after he told me to wear my underwear. I wore it, when I saw the hammer down on the floor, I ran back to my room".  I keep quiet, ashamed, looking at my thick legs. She said nothing. We both quiet. She gets up and leaves my bedroom. I take off my clothes, with the hope that something will be done to address the trauma I went through yesterday.