ROBBINA
Callixto Henderson: Hey Bobbie, I cannot go, you know I'm a little busy right now, right?
It's been weeks. Right after the Graduation Ball, ilang araw lang ang lumipas na nagkikita kami ni Calli noong nagpaalam siya na aalis daw sila ng Tita Karen at Tito Erwin niya para sa isang business gathering sa Palawan. Sabi niya, magiging abala raw siya, at naintindihan ko 'yun.
But while he was gone, things were never so easy for me. I kept on having dreams about my parent's death. Hindi ko alam kung dahil ba stress ako o dahil bukas na ang death anniversary nila o tinutulak na nila ako na sabihin kay Calli ang totoo. Hindi ko alam. Naguguluhan ako.
Ilang beses na rin akong hindi nagpapa-appoint kay Glenda. Ayoko muna, ayoko munang marinig ang sasabihin niya tungkol sa mga panaginip ko. Ilang araw na rin akong nagkukulong sa kwarto. Alam kong nahihirapan na sila Grace sa akin. Ako rin naman. Nahihirapan na ako sa sarili ko.
Bukas, pupunta ako sa mga magulang ko, handa na rin akong sabihin kay Calli ang totoo, baka sakaling magkakaroon na ako ng peace of mind doon. Pero hindi siya pwede. Ilang ulit ko na siyang sinabihan pero iisa lang ang lagi niyang sagot. Minsan pakiramdam ko, napipilitan na lang siyang sumagot sa akin.
I am ready to open up my wound to him but he's making me think all over again if I should.
Kinabukasan, madaling araw nang umalis ako sa bahay, nag-book ako ng masasakyan papunta kela Mommy. Hindi ako nagpaalam kela Grace, siguro naman alam na nila kung saan ako pupunta sa araw na 'to.
I texted Calli again, hoping that his answer would change because I need him today. I need him more today.
Callixto Henderson: I'll try but I don't think I could catch up today.
But he didn't.
I was there in times when he needed me, but why couldn't he do the same to me? I just want to see him today, to tell him everything that is running in my head. Pagod na akong magpanggap na okay lang ako. Pagod na ako.
I stayed in front of my parents' urn, crying. I thought of a lot of things that could happen if they were alive. I know I was torturing myself with those thoughts but I couldn't help it. It almost felt like the universe was against my choice of letting Calli know, as if this is not the right time.
And it sucks.
Kung kailan handa na ako, parang sinasabi lang sa'kin ng panahon na huwag ko na lang sabihin o baka naman para ipa-realize sa akin na, hanggang dito na lang kami ni Calli.
Callixto Henderson: I'm sorry but something came up, I'll see you as soon as I get back.
But I need him now.
My chest tightened upon reading his text, all the thoughts that I've been thinking, all the emotions that I've been collecting since the year started, exploded, and there again, I was struggling to breathe.
My hands were trembling while I search for Grace's number, I called her, pero bago pa lang ako magsasalita, nawalan na ako ng malay.
---
After three days of staying in the hospital, I haven't heard anything from Calli. Agad akong umuwi sa bahay kasama si Grace. Pagbaba namin sa sasakyan, agad kaming dumiretso sa gate ng bahay pero bago pa man ako makapasok, biglang lumabas si Calli sa loob ng montero niya.
"Bobbie," he called.
Tumingin ako kay Grace at tinanguan na lang niya ako bago siya pumasok sa loob ng bahay. It was Calli and I alone in the streets. Pagabi na kaya bumababa na ang araw. Lumapit siya sa'kin.
"Can we talk?" he asked.
I wrinkled my nose before I nodded at him.
"Can you come with me?" Inilahad niya sa akin ang kamay niya pero hindi ko 'yun pinansin.
"Saan? Dadalhin mo nanaman ako sa isang lugar, tapos mangangako ka nanaman?" walang emosyon kong tanong.
"Bobbie," aniya na parang gulat na gulat sa sinabi ko.
"You promised Calli, you promised to be here for me always, na dito ka lang," I snapped. "But where were you when I needed you the most? Nasaan ka?"
"I was busy Bobbie, you don't know how much I tried to come back here for you, you don't know that," he tried to sound calm.
"Then you shouldn't make a promise in the first place. Next time, don't make promises," I said. "Because I guess, you know how to make a promise but you don't know how to fulfill it," I added.
Tumalikod na ako sa kanya but he called me again, I turned to face him again.
"Are you... breaking my heart again?" he asked. Mukha na siyang iiyak but I stood still.
"You broke my heart first Calli," I smiled bitterly. "And yes, I'm going to break yours too... because we're done."
I walked backward before I completely turn around to walk away from him and left him.
At that moment, I wasn't even sure if I should really break his heart because, at that moment, I was reminded that I made a promise too.
Na dito lang din ako para sa kanya, dito lang ako.
Pero mukha yatang parehas kaming nagkamali nang ginawa.
Dahil kasabay ng pagpanaw ng araw, ang siya ring paglalaho ng mga pangako naming binitawan.
BINABASA MO ANG
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