Akatsuki Randomness

Suitchi

For SacrificialBrideOG , who gave me the idea...

With a slash, Kisame cut through his opponent's jutsu, Itachi leaping over his shoulder to throw flaming shurikens.

"Get down!" Kisame shouted as he quickly released Samehada and performed hand signs. Itachi flattened himself against the wall of the cave as a tsunami of white capped waves crashed through the narrow space.

In the distance they could hear Orochimaru cackling as he sent experimental subject after experimental subject at the two Akatsuki members. "Tell Pein he can kiss my ass in hell!" he screeched, his long tongue flicking the air to taste the blood and sweat being shed by Kisame, Itachi and the now dead opponent.

"Keep him occupied" Itachi said to Kisame. The shark man turned to ask him what he meant but Itachi was already gone, slipping through a fissure in the cave's wall that was hidden from discerning eyes. The Swordsman turned to face several grotesque and macabre former human beings.

Samehada wrapped himself around Kisame's arm, purring and chittering, looking for chakra that was palatable. Since Orochimaru had altered the test subjects so much, they were disgusting to Samehada and the sword was starving. "Just a little longer" Kisame cooed to his sword and grasped its hilt, holding Samehada in front of him. One by one, the subjects threw themselves at him and one by one, Kisame cut them down.

Itachi squeezed through the fissure and into a narrow tunnel. He could hear Kisame fighting on the other side of the wall. Making his way quickly, but silently, down the tunnel, he came to an opening at the end. He looked to his right, where Orochimaru stood, summoning dead shinobi, whose bodies littered the area around the cave from past wars and battles, to fight for him in a perverse twist of the Reanimation Jutsu.

He closed his eyes and reopened them; instead of his usual intense onyx eyes, blazing red Sharingans pierced the blackness. "Amaterasu!" Itachi said, his voice echoing hollowly off the tunnel walls.

Black flames erupted on Orochimaru's sickly white flesh and his clothes. An unholy screech came from his throat while his skin blackened and peeled off. Itachi left the relative safety of the tunnel and plunged two kunai into Orochimaru's back, hoping to pin the Sannin to his body so he could not molt and escape. 

Kisame, disemboweling the final dead and rotting shinobi Orochimaru sent to him, hurried to Itachi. "Is he-" he started to ask but Orochimaru's hand gripped his forehead, his sharp nails digging into and piercing his thick skin. He grabbed Itachi the same way, long rivulets of blood standing out in stark contrast to Itachi's black hair and pale skin.

"Before I go," Orochimaru hissed at them, "I shall leave you a small parting gift" he said, blackened skin flaking off of his body and a sickening scent of sweetly roasted meat filling the cave. "Suitchi!" he snarled and Kisame and Itachi fell to the cave's floor.

Orochimaru reached around and pulled the kunai from his back. He then opened his mouth and a pair of hands reached through, dislocating and breaking his jaw, as his newly molted body slid from his old mouth onto the cave floor with a nauseating squelch. Hissing and flicking his tongue, he made his escape through the cave, leaving the Akatsuki members behind.

Groaning, Kisame sat up clutching his head. He looked over at Itachi who was snoring on the floor. Odd, he thought, and got to his feet. He wove hand signs but his jutsu didn't work. He tried again. And again. Swallowing his increasing panic, he knelt down next to Itachi and shook him. "Mmmm five more minutes," Itachi said as he rolled over. "Now!" Kisame demanded and Itachi slowly got to his feet.

He held out his hand for Samehada but the sword chose Kisame instead. Itachi frowned and then looked at Kisame standing across from him. "...Itachi?" He finally asked. Kisame nodded. Running his hands down Itachi's body, Kisame chuckled, "I'm not quite sure how a runty guy like you gets chicks," he said teasingly before grabbing Itachi's crotch. His eyes widened and he smirked, "Nevermind. I know why now. Impressive, Uchiha."

"If you could please stop molesting my body I would appreciate it" Itachi said, his voice low and gravelly. "If you could please..." Kisame muttered, turning to face the opposite direction and began walking out of the cave.

"Pein isn't going to like this," Itachi said solemnly, "Orochimaru escaped and we've somehow switched bodies." "I would be more concerned with the women than with Pein" Kisame said, cocking an eyebrow which just looked ridiculous on Itachi's face.

Itachi stopped in his tracks and placed a hand over his mouth; he had forgotten about the women in his immediate worry. He inadvertently bit his finger, not being used to Kisame's sharp teeth, and hissed in pain. Shaking his hand, he wondered aloud "how are we going to approach this? We obviously need to correct this; as much as I respect you, I do not want your body."

"Sure sure, you say that now," Kisame teased, turning to look at Itachi, "but we all know you have a thing for me" he said, grinning widely. Itachi rolled his eyes and began thinking of a solution. After several minutes all he could come up with was: Sasori.

They would need the temperamental redhead's help and knowledge. Of course, Sasori would demand compensation for his time and effort. Itachi supposed he could send Zetsu out to get him a corpse but he would rather not do that. Could they get a loan from Kakuzu? He made a mental note to discuss this with Shinju; it was always safer to run money ideas past her before approaching him.

"This is not going to end well" Itachi predicted as he shooed Samehada away from his face. Spreading his arms wide, Kisame turned to face Itachi, laughingly saying "it's all gonna work out. You'll see! You worry too much my friend."

They continued to close the distance between them and the Akatsuki hideout, Itachi growing more nervous each kilometre they passed. Kisame did his best to keep his spirits up and passed the time thinking of what kind of reception he'd get from her when he finally arrived home.