Dark Thoughts

Feelings

Feelings

I wonder if I am feeling depressed.

I am unsure.

I dont have a lack of happiness l just have a lack of feelings.

Like the feeling to get up in the morning or to do anything during the day.

I'm not sad, but I am not particularly happy either.

I just am.

I wonder if getting a job would help, because it would force me to get out of bed and face the world.

Though recently, I have found the thought of social gatherings nerve wracking.

Just the thought of entering a large group of people gives me anxiety.

I feel like I might feel better if I told someone about my problems.

But who would I tell?

My parents have always considered me their happy child and my younger siblings all look up to me.

My older sister is just too close to me for me to fully express my emotions without hurting feelings.

My friends all have their own problems and don't really relate well with my specific anxieties.

My closest friend (and the only one I have considered telling) is six hours away and I can't fully express myself over the phone.

Besides, I don't want to burden him with my problems when he already has enough problems when it comes to being gay and just his everyday life.

I feel like I can tell no one, because I am the listener.

I am the person who listens without judgement when my friends need to vent.

But who will listen to me?

I feel like writing all this down will help but sometimes I don't even feel like picking up my phone to type.

I know it would help if I could say my emotions out loud and maybe record them, but I have no privacy.

I share a room with my sister and with four siblings still at home I never get any peace.

I don't feel like writing anymore.......

But a thought just occured.

I have an irregular meal and sleep schedule and so I always end up having trouble sleeping.

Lack of sleep can cause depression, so should I organize my life, then my emotions or just head straight for my emotions?

Stress eating is also a mojor concern.

With PCOS I will now have to make major life changes but I don't know where to start.

I need to exorcise, but it's hard when all I want to do sleep and eat.

Then drink whenever I believe I haven't had enough fluids.

I know I might need help, but I am also smart enough to fool everyone into believeing I'm okay.

I have learned that no one really looks deeper when you want them to.

When your heart is hurting and your holding back tears but you know how to make your smile look natural.

You put on your charade then expect somone......

Anyone to come save you.........

But then you realize that no one knows you well enough to see through it.

Every time I have said the word you, I have meant I and me. 

However, in an attempt to relate to others my dialect automatically changed to you.

I wonder if I would make a good therapist with the way I over analyze myself.

Then I realize my mind doesn't have the capacity to over analyze anyone else.

I can only do it with myself because I know my inner thoughts and can analyze my own state of mind in a way to change my appearance so that I don't worry anyone.......

I don't feel like writing again.