"▪️
i thought about what i would say if i ever got the chance to see you again. how i would tell you about how happy i was when i first met you. you saw me sitting down at a cafe, looking into my luke warm macchiato with sadness.
you had no clue who i was. you had never met me. you had never spoken to me. yet you tapped me on the shoulder and asked how i was.
it's ridiculous, looking back, but the picture is so clear because i remember thinking that in my whole entire life, nobody has ever cared enough to ask me if im okay.
i had friends growing up who would see me upset and ask how i was carelessly as they did other things, only half listening. i had my mom ask sometimes, but even then she didn't do it very often. she was usually too lost in her own depressive episode to notice i wasn't talking or eating much.
but you, you saw something in a stranger and asked how i was. i had never felt, what i had felt in that moment, before. like someone saw me, like someone cared about me.
then when we talked, you asked for my number.
in my head, i thought it was a prank.
see i was never someone who was seen as attractive. i was the ugly, sidekick friend. so seeing someone as good looking as you, i assumed you were just pulling my leg, as your friends filmed somewhere i couldnt see and it would later be posted on some slowly dying meme instagram account.
even thinking that, i gave you my number. maybe i had hope it wasn't what i thought it was. maybe i knew you were someone different.
and you were. you didn't high-five a friend after getting my number and call me a loser for believing it, instead you blushed, grabbed your drink and left with a promise of texting me.
slowly, i found myself loving you.
if you had asked my ten year old self "would you ever fall in love" they would answer no.
i saw my mom's first husband die, and her second beat her, cheat on her, and then leave her. i had not seen a single good male in my life, so i assumed there were none.
no one who was nice to girls like me.
i also thought i didn't deserve love. i was far from a standout, i was never anyones first choice, and i was always criticized.
how could someone like me ever find someone to love them. i mean clearly i had some kind of sign stuck to my forehead that said "beware, shes unworthy of your time and attention, leave now before she ruins your life." because how else could i feel this way.
then, i met you.
for the first time i thought, wow, someone sees something in me that i clearly dont see in myself.
they accept my flaws without needing to change them, and found good aspects of me too.
i laughed the hardest with you.
you never failed to make my mood soar.
i had the deepest thoughts with you.
you had a way of speaking that didn't make me feel the need to get defensive. like even if you didn't agree with my opinion, you didn't shut it down. you listened, explained your side and allowed us to stand on opposite sides without it stretching us apart.
i also cried the hardest with you.
you had a way of making me feel so deeply, that when you were gone i couldn't find anything else in my life big enough to fill the void you left.
i had been in such a dark place, that when i found you, you pulled me out.
the problem was instead of letting go and allowing my feet to touch the floor, i depended on you to keep me flying.
perhaps thats why you left.
you realized i was a weight dragging you down to a place you didn't want to be.
you saw my flaws were not just skin deep, and instead had years of trauma behind them that is hard to get over.
perhaps i wore you out, and drained you of what you could give.
but if im honest, i don't regret it.
i may have fallen the hardest when you left, but i knew the steps i needed to take to get myself back up again.
i learned a lot from you.
not only about how i deserve to be treated, but how i deserve to treat myself.
and for that, i could never regret it. i could also never thank you enough.
because you broke my heart, but you also taught me how to fix it.
▪️"
