Almond Blossoms

15.7: cruel angel thesis [2]

Listless, gloomy, that's how all my thoughts went. I'd be alright in the day, I'd be getting by with my consciousness barely on the ledge of the staircase to anxiousness. But I'd balance my weight on it, bet everything I had to and get through each day. What gruelling work it was and hardly rewarding. Living through a day seemed like a task, living for living's sake... how pitiful I was before I met him.

Xavier came in like a wistful mirage to my mind that was lost among the sands of anxiety and unknown fears. He made it alright. Uncharted territories and situations were made alright. I could speak my mind around him, he'd listen to all my useless thoughts. We were a team, him and I. Contemplate each day how we'd get out of this old town lined with weathered faces, get out into the world and learn to love it. Isn't that how it is with all things? You can't change things or learn to love them without seeing all of it. I thought of the world the same way, my emotions could mould around it. See all of it and come around to some conclusion, that yes, this place is worth staying in.

But I was only fooling myself. Just like a breather or a mirage that he came in like, he went out just as quick as a candle flame on a dark and stormy night. Just when you needed him the most.

Now we stood, human and apparition, shoulder to shoulder on the same been on that day.

I glanced at him, to gauge his expression. He must still be mad about it. How could he not? I turned to check but to my surprise his eyes were calm. His expression completely pallid. Did ghosts even have any worries?

"I'm not mad about dying." he says all of a sudden, catching my eye now. I wince at how easily I'd let my worries be so obvious. And a bit alert now that he brought it up. We're up on the terrace of the building, it's abandoned other than a few cleaning tubs left by lazy janitors and littered with a few cigarette butts here and there. It looked the same as that day. Xavier walks towards the ledge, I follow.

"How could you not?" I ask him as I carefully watch him settle himself on the ledge. I almost reach out with my arm to secure him but then I realize, there really isn't any point in it now, is there?

"You know-"

"You don't have to be sorry about not dying with me, Lucas." the words that wanted to leave me then, somewhat backtracked and died within my throat.

It was almost funny, talking here with a ghost, one I promised to join soon enough.