Names Have Power -- Polysanders

Chapter 6: What If?

*This chapter contains homophobia and self-doubt. Be safe, my kiddos! Scroll to the end for a summary of the chapter!*

(Logan)

My cheeks flushed as I stalked away from the trio. The freckled one--Patton, he had said--had looked so hurt by my words. A sinking feeling filled my heart, causing me to shake my head a bit. "I am not a homosexual," I muttered to myself, climbing the clean, white staircase up to my room. I wasn't even a student here; the school had hired me to investigate a few strange happenings around the school. Pushing open the door to my room, I could feel my blush getting warmer. Patton had been so cute and the athletic one, too. The goth one seemed. . . the angriest with my words towards Patton. I went to my bathroom and gently covered the first of the 'T's of Patton's name on my cheek. I picked up a thin tube of liquid eyeliner and drew a 'Y' in a similar font as the rest of the letters. I checked my handiwork in the mirror ad relaxed a bit. It was realistic enough to convince most people that it was the unaltered name 'Payton'.

I sat down in the rolling chair at my desk and sighed heavily. My brain began racing through thoughts. It finally decided to settle on Patton. I dazed out, thinking about the cute boy. He had to be from the South, judging from his accent. I liked his accent; it suited his bubbly personality. And his freckles. . . those were beautiful. Strengthened by the sun and perfectly complementing his warm skin tone. He was such a sharp contrast to myself. My hair is straight and dark; his is curly and light. I'm pale from hours inside studying; his skin recalls summers of being outside in the hot Southern sun. I hummed at the thought of Patton outside. I was sure he would fit perfectly in my arms, curled up safely. . .

My eyes shot open. When had I closed them? I shook my head vigorously. No! I had to stop thinking about Patton. Or boys in general. How else am I supposed to keep myself straight? "Being homosexual is wrong," I told myself aloud. But. . . was it? I had always believed what my family told me, and it came as a rude shock to realize I was questioning something they had been telling me for years.

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"Logan, nieto, me pasas los pepinos para la ensalada," my grandmother asked softly. I grabbed a cucumber from the basket next to me and cut the ends off perfectly. I handed her it. I watched her intently. She was more of a mother to me than my actual mother. My mother wasn't a bad person; she just worked so much she barely had time for me but the time she did have, she gave to me.

"Abuelita, hay un chico muy lindo en mi escuela. Su nombre es-" I started to explain my crush to her. I was so sure she would be supportive but her expression and boy language caused me to pause. She had gripped the knife so much that her knuckles had turned white. The insides of the cucumber were beginning to bulge outwards. She looked me in the eyes. Her eyes were filled with so much disappointment it made me flinch.

"Nunca hablas sobre chicos lindos en esta casa. Dios dice que homosexuales son una problema grande. Homosexuales son menos de una persona." Her tone was grave and serious. I swallowed hard and nodded firmly.

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Since that day, I had forced myself to look at women, and, for a while, it seemed to be working. I dated a girl, too, and that hadn't gone too bad. I believed homosexuality was wrong. I worked so hard to correct that behavior and one boy was not going to ruin my hard work. Right?

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CHAPTER SUMMARY: Logan goes back to his room after his encounter with Patton. He mentions in passing why he is at the school. It turns out he is not a student but is investigating strange happenings. When he gets back to his room, he changes Patton's name to 'Payton'. He then starts to question the beliefs pushed on him since childhood. A short flashback shows the homophobic tendencies of his grandmother. Logan talks about how he has repressed his homosexual tendencies for a long time and tries to convince himself that homosexuality is wrong and that one boy could change his opinion. But the doubt still remains.