streetlight ♫ - seo changbin

chapter 5:

"what?" changbin gave me a confused look and i pulled out my phone to check the bruise on my cheek, "i mean look at me, my mother died my father never loved me and everyone hates me" my voice cracked as i didn't even have water yet. i checked my wallet and i saw i had enough to get at least one proper meal today, "yet you're still smiling?" he asked almost looking apologetic, as much as i wanted to say i was dying on the inside i couldn't, i don't deserve anybody to fix me so it's best if i stayed broken and just be left there to die.

"yea pretty much" i said while putting my hair up and made my way to the elevator, "changbin" i called out while he hummed in response, "this is the second time i'll warn you don't get close to me" i said before leaving entering the elevator.

i took out my phone and plugged in my earphones to listen to some music and headed off to find a cheap convenience store,and as i was looking around i was thinking about what the world would be like if i wasn't there anymore. the thoughts were overwhelming, "other's lives would be better without me wouldn't it?" i said trying to hold back my tears in order to stop looking weak even though i already know i am.

i looked around some more and saw one just nearby with an upstairs to it. i didn't have much so i just got some water and kimbap which was surprisingly cheaper than i expected, i went up the stairs to see the view from above. "well look at this shitty place" i started laughing while eating, i looked around some more while leaning towards the terrace. "would i survive if i jumped off from here?" i started laughing even more and honestly i sounded psychotic.

there were other people too, i don't even know if they're looking at me but their gazes sting. i felt done, defeated and should honestly just disappear but why am i still trying? that voice of motivation, the voice that kept on telling me not to give up has been drowned and muffled in the voice that tells me i'll never get better.

i just stood there in silence, debating on whether i should do it or not. the voices started getting louder and louder to the point where i couldn't even think straight, i wasn't in control. there i was in one second i could be gone and the world would be happy and the burden would be lifted from my shoulders. but that small voice, the voice that wants to fight back i can still hear it, i don't even know which one to listen to anymore.

i felt isolated in this world full of people and just had enough, this world full of blinds just makes me want to give up. "but i already did give up" i said to myself as i formed a weak smile, "i just don't know what to do with myself at this point". i just wanted to disappear without a trace, it hurts to be alone but knowing you don't deserve anybody hurts even more.

i looked up to the sky and smiled, i just wanted to live in peace for once but is that really the answer? i let out a sigh "i'm sorry i couldn't save you mom, if i wasn't so stupid you would've still been here. it's all my fault" i started tearing up, i was always afraid of losing everyone and i would end up being alone.

but i already felt alone, i never had anyone around me or by my side. what was i afraid to lose then? all those questions lingering in my head, "why am i still trying?", "who am i afraid to lose?", "this is an opportunity to make people happy but why can't i just do it?".

those questions with no answer kept bothering me day by day, night by night. that stupid voice wasn't even me anymore, the courage i had when i was young completely faded away from me. i was just a weak coward living in a hopeless world yet i was still standing.

i didn't want to drag anyone else into the mess i've caused, i didn't want anyone else to see me like this. i wasn't even myself anymore, the me i knew years ago completely vanished, who am i? i know my younger self would definitely be disappointed in me.

i was always in pain but i was never this affected, i am in fact disappointed at myself again. even more than before, this new feeling of pain was overwhelming in the worst way possible, i didn't want my emotions to take over me so i tried regaining control over myself but it was no use.

i turned around and saw someone i never thought i'd see at this time, i didn't want anyone seeing me like this but it's as if he just saw right through me. "tough day huh?" he asked me, "i told you not to get close to me why aren't you listening?" i scoffed while i went to throw my trash in the bin. "you looked lonely" he answered while sitting down on one of the chairs, "yea yea whatever just don't bother me" is what i said but i really wanted to thank him for staying. "you look sad, what's wrong?" his eyes started going soft.

"nothings wrong" i shrugged and went to the chair beside him, "y/n don't lie, it's easy to see right through you" he tried tugging my shirt a bit to get my attention. is this a trap? a trap that will let him know how i feel and use it against me, i sighed and looked at him. "changbin, you're also very easy to read yourself" he looked quite shocked as his eyes widened, "how would you know that?" he asked "your lyrics, the way you act, others may not be able to see it but i can" i stated.

he looked speechless, "you're smarter than i thought you'd be" he smirked and i hit him in the shoulder. "of course i'm smart, if i wasn't how would i be living isolated in this world full of shitty people" i added, "aren't you calling yourself shitty?"  he laughed. "exactly my point" i continued, "why do you always push people away?" he asked so suddenly that it caught me off guard. "i don't want anyone to get in my way" i said while picking up my stuff to leave, "it's better for you to leave me alone now and move on with your life than stay" i say just as i was about to leave, "but why do i have to? you're struggling" he stood up trying to get my attention. i turned around and said.

"i don't want anyone in danger cause of me"