Remembering

Despair

I wandered back to the common room, my head full.

I could still hear Mary badmouthing me.

I could still see Remus attacking Rosmerta.

I couldn't figure out which thoughts would win over.

Finally, I entered the portrait hole, my shoulders slumped. I dragged my feet up the stairs, looking down.

"Lily!" Alice shrieked as soon as I opened the door.

"What," I grumbled.

"Oh my gosh, I have to tell you what Mary said --"

"I already heard it." I collapsed onto my bed.

"What?" Alice asked.

"Well... I kind of listened at the door..." 

Alice sighed. "So you heard."

I nodded. "Yeah, I did." We stared at each other.

Then I hugged Alice, hard. "She -- she was my best friend..." I sobbed into her shoulder.

"Shh... I know, I know."

"She was my best friend," I repeated, my voice breaking. I could feel my heart breaking as well. It hurt, a lot. Was this what it was like to break up with someone you loved?

I let go and fell back onto my bed. "She thinks she can just walk in here and -- and --" My voice was shaking with anger.

Alice nodded. She had tears running down her cheeks. "I know. It sucks."

"YEAH IT DOES!" I roared, knocking over my flower vase. It shattered as it hit the floor.

"She thinks she can just come in here and just -- just -- be mean to everybody and get away with it?!" I was pacing the floor now, angry tears flowing down my face.

"I know..." Alice said, shrinking away as I walked near her.

I grabbed my pillow and threw it at the wall. "Well FUCK THAT!" I yelled. "FUCK YOU, MARY MACDONALD!" I slammed my fist against the wall, making the room vibrate for a second.

I shook my head and pulled my wand out of my leggings, repairing the flower vase and putting the pillow back. "We're officially ignoring her, okay?"

Alice nodded. "Okay."

I paced the floor. "I'm going on a walk."

"Okay."

"Make sure the girls know where I'm going."

"Okay." I nodded briskly at her. I needed somewhere to go, before I completely broke down.

I made for the door, but it opened. "Marlene?!" I said in surprise.

"Hi," she said nervously.

"What are you doing here?"

She grinned. "Well, most of Gryffindor heard you screaming 'fuck you, Mary MacDonald'."

I sighed. "Yeah, I know."

"I think I can help," Marlene said, wringing her hands nervously.

"Oh, so now you can help," I snapped. "Where were you when Mary was bullying me before? Staring at the ground?"

She looked at the ground now.

"Look, I know that I can't be too hard on you with what -- happened --" She nodded at her feet. "But I seriously needed you when she was being mean to me. All you ever said was, 'She's being nice to me...' Well you know what? I don't care! If Mary was being seriously mean to you, I would put her in her place. But you obviously don't feel the same," I growled.