Trigger warning: Mentions of Suicide and implied usage of drugs. Skip if Uncomfortable.
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At the start of this month a really close friend of the golden boy committed suicide.
Just like that Jeongguk's friend decided to let go of the little strings that attached him to this cruel world and now Jeongguk can't help but wonder how his friend must have felt like...from all Jeongguk can remember he was always smiling and laughing, making everyone happy and the people around him enjoyed his dark sense of humor...but now that thinks about it, behind those happy eyes there was a lot of sadness inside.
They failed to notice the dark circles under his eyes and how he never use to eat anything with them during the lunchtime...he would say its all because 'Idon't like to wear glasses, thats why my eyes look like that' and at that time Jeongguk and the rest of his friend group believed him....they laughed along with him whenever he use to say he wants to die and they all mistook it for a joke....and look what it cost them.
Jeongguk lost a friend, a friend who thought it was easy to let go instead of bearing the pain, a small metallic bullet was all it took...and he was gone...just like that.
Jeongguk wonders what must have gone through his mind when he decided to pull the trigger...other than the sound of a gunshot all Jeongguk can hear is his heart crying silently while the smile on his face told everyone otherwise.
Jeongguk sat on the cold wet floor of a balcony of a house he wasn't familiar with. loud music played in the background but all he could hear was the barely audible thudding of his weak heart. he stared up at the night sky watching the smoke of his cigarette floating in front of his burning eyes.
He wished he was somewhere outside floating into space....running on the rings of Saturn and filling the pages of his journals with unsaid words, he wished that the darkness that was now settled well in his head would give him a break...but that's the problem, the things that he feels and the words he wants to say are completely different.
life is just like a garden filled with beautiful roses and somewhere around the corner, there stands a little cactus and just because its different than the beautiful roses, the rest of the garden won't accept the cactus to be a part of their lives.
Jeongguk believes that he's that cactus.
he also believes that his friend must have felt like a cactus too.
The aftertaste of Jeongguk's life decisions has left a bitter taste inside his mouth and no matter how much he tries to he just can't get rid of it cause now its a part of who he is, it runs in his veins now and he'll never be able to change it, he will never be able to go back in time and do a lot of things differently.
oh how fucked up his decisions were.
from choosing to shoot up his veins with venom instead of love, from destroying his lungs with grey clouds of smoke instead of tending to the flowers that once resided inside of him when he was just a little child.
all of his roads led to a dead end.
"You know smoking is bad for your health." a deep honey like voice called out from behind.
Jeongguk turned to look at the Boy who was now sitting on the other corner of the balcony. The stranger's dark hair completely submerged in the darkness of the night and there was something about the way the stars shined in his eyes that just for a few seconds Jeongguk felt like he could finally breathe.
Jeongguk didn't respond back to his remark and just kept on smoking and looking ahead of him once again submerging himself in the pool of his thoughts.
"Are you lost?" the boy questioned him without turning his face to look at Jeongguk.
he shrugged and watched his cigarette burning out, the orange little fire looked so alluring and fragile that it just reminded Jeongguk more of himself.
after a pregnant pause Jeongguk finally opened his chapped lips to say:
