Unarmed

Chapter 30

Lucas' POV

It's been 6 months since I moved to SF and I'm actually really enjoying the city itself. It's pretty busy and I'm right in the middle of it living downtown. I still miss home though.

It's Saturday morning and my goal for today is to visit the farmer's market and meal prep. I hop out of bed and brush my teeth.

Looking at my reflection, I almost don't recognize myself. My once jet black hair is now completely blonde. I got it bleached just before starting my job at Apple and have been getting it touched up as it grows out. It's been a bit of a protection as no one has recognized me from what happened months ago. I've also let my beard grow out, something that I couldn't do when I was on the police force. It's definitely a new look but I'm getting used to it.

After brushing my teeth and styling my hair, I head downstairs to grab a couple reusable bags. I lock my front door behind me then head out of my building towards the farmer's market.

The market is just a couple blocks from my place and I'm there in 10 minutes. It's super busy as usual.

I make my way to my favorite stands, picking out lots of fresh fruits and vegetables. I also pick out some fresh meats for dinner later in the week.

I'm just about done when I spot a stand that I've never seen before. There's a banner that says "Fresh Sourdough" and I'm drawn to it. Although SF is known for its sourdough, I've yet to have some I actually liked. I decide to take a chance with this one.

As I approach the stand, I notice there's a bit of a line so I line up behind the woman in front of me.

It's kind of funny cause as I'm waiting, I can't help but think she looks a bit like Chantelle from behind. It could just be my mind playing tricks on me but her figure, height and skin tone all seem...

"This line is kind of ridiculous, isn't it?" the woman says, turning around.

It's her. It's Chantelle.

I almost drop the bags I'm carrying when I realize it's her. This is the first time I've seen her in 6 months. And she looks... amazing. I can tell she's doing better than the last time I saw her.

"Lucas?" she asks, her voice barely above a whisper.

I nod as that's all I'm able to manage.

"I—" she stutters. "I—". Her hand covers her mouth as she takes me in.

I definitely look different than the last time she saw me. It's definitely the blonde hair and beard for one. But I also now have a full tattoo sleeve on my left arm. It's nothing super crazy but it's a tribute to my family. There's a few flowers and a clock in recognition of all the amazing times I've spent with them. On one of the flowers, the petals are drifting away. It symbolizes letting go and I thought of Chantelle as I had my tattoo artist incorporate the idea.

"Next in line!"

Chantelle is the next in line but she's hyper focused on me.

"You can go ahead of us," I say to the guy behind me as I side step out of the line. Chantelle follows, still taking me in.

"Do you wanna sit?" I ask.

She nods and we head to a bench, away from the crowds.

I set my bags on the ground and just stare at the ground as I try and process all this. There's a million thoughts running through my head. What is she doing here? Is she on vacation? Will she even wanna talk to me? What do I say?

As much as I want to talk to her and say anything, I'm also at a loss for words. The last time we spoke, she basically kicked me out of her life and never looked back. It hurt like hell but I respected that decision.

"You look so different," Chantelle finally says. I look up at her and she gives me a weak smile.

"Yeah," I say, running my hands through my hair. "I don't wanna risk being recognized so I switched things up."

"Your hair, the beard, you got a sleeve..." she reaches out to touch my arm and I let her. She traces her fingers down the length of my tattoo then takes her hand back quickly. "I'm sorry," she blurts out. "How have you been?"

I don't mean to laugh but I do. "Do you want the truth?"

She gives me a slight nod.

"It's been pretty rough, at least emotionally. I miss my family. I miss Seattle. I miss you. SF is great but I'm still adjusting. And I definitely was not expecting to see you today. Or ever really."  I look at her. "What are you doing here?"

"I moved a week after you. Cosmo offered me a promotion but it came with relocating here." Chantelle pauses. "I kept telling myself I was moving for me but I know deep down, I was hoping that we'd cross paths."

"Cross paths and what?" I feel anger start to bubble inside me and I try to keep it down. But everything I've been feeling since she dumped me in that laundry mat is coming to a head.

"I—" Chantelle starts and stops. "I know I was in the wrong Lucas. Are... are we really going to unpack this all right here, right now?"

"I don't see why not." I shrug. "If we can't have a matter of fact conversation about how everything went down, there's no point in us even continuing on. I can at least say for myself that I genuinely wanted a fresh start when I moved here. I refuse to live in the past if we can't be honest with ourselves."

"No, you're right. That's fair." Chantelle sighs then looks at me. "I was overwhelmed by a million feelings Lucas. I was caught up in what happened and didn't even consider you. I was scared and immediately shut down and pushed you out. I know that wasn't fair to you. To us. It was so wrong and I handled it immaturely. I'm so, so sorry for that. For everything." She starts to tear up but quickly wipes her eyes.

I nod. As much as I needed to hear that, I also don't know how to feel. Chantelle looks at me expectantly and I realize I should probably verbalize what I'm thinking.

"Thanks for that," I say. "I just... if I'm being honest, I don't know how to feel. Mentally, I've been getting over you. And just when I thought I was completely over you, here you are. It hurt Chantelle. You leaving me at literally the lowest point of my life, that really hurt. You shattered all my trust and I'm just now trying to rebuild that."

We sit in silence before I speak again.

"What do you want?" I fix my tone and try it again. "You said you were hoping we'd cross paths and it happened. What did you want from this?"

"Well I definitely wanted to share that apology. I'm so, so sorry Lucas. Again. For everything that's happened and for what I put you through. I don't expect you to forgive me but I want you to know I'm sorry."

"Okay," I nod. "Is that it?" I definitely have an attitude. I'm trying to drop it but I'm on the defense. The last thing I need is to be hurt again.

"I... I guess," Chantelle says. "And I want you to know that I love you. As much as I tried to deny my feelings, I haven't been able to stop loving you. I'm still in love with you."

That bit softens me but I'm still weary.

"Alright," I say. I still love her too. I do. But in this moment, I'm too worked up to say it back.

"Can I have a few days?" I finally say. "I'm sure we can move on as friends. I just need like a week or something to process everything. You still got the same number?"

Chantelle nods slowly.

"Okay," I say. I bend down and grab my bags. "I'll text you before the week is up."

"Okay," Chantelle says lightly.

Our goodbye is awkward but I don't try and remedy it. This was incredibly unexpected and I still don't know how to feel.

I head back to my apartment, put my groceries away then dial my mom. She always knows what to say.