mentanoia - ben gross

chapter eleven;

Chapter eleven;

Boredom glistered in his eyes as he yawned widely. He peeked over to the brunette sitting on the other end of the table. Though she seemed fully enveloped in the thick book on Norse Mythology that lay in front of her, Ben had caught her peeking up at him every now and then too.

"So you are an only child from the extremely influential entertainment lawyer Howard and stay-at-home mother Vivian. Your dream is to become a famous politician after getting your degree at Harvard." Andre read from his notes, sounding equally as bored as Ben looked.

Ben nodded, "Oh," his eyes jumped open, "You could write about how my father's currently working on a case for Ed Sheeran, because some guy named Matt Cardle claims that Ed has copied his song."

Ben could see Andre pause his writing and turn to look at Jane, almost as if he wanted to see if she wore the same kind of confusion he did. Unfortunately for Andre, Jane had actually zoomed out of the conversation the two boys were having. A sly smile set on Ben's lips when he saw that Jane didn't give Andre much attention.

"I'm not writing a biography about your father- You need to tell me about you." Andre replied calmly, "What is interesting about you? Who are you, what do you care about, that kind of stuff."

After a loud sigh, Ben spoke again. "I'm actively engaged with various clubs. The yearbook, of course, Model UN, Science NHS, Latin Club-" He paused, feeling the cocky part of himself which he hadn't seen in a long time again. "I'd better email you the list. Point is, I'm spending so much time on clubs like those so that I can get into Yale."

Andre rolled his eyes, he couldn't care less about the educational obsession Ben seemed to have.

"I haven't had a grade lower than a 92 since freshman year, which I think is quite impressive." Ben added, the smile on his face was one he no longer was used to wearing. But if felt nice, it felt safe.

"Yeah, no." Andre replied, "I don't care about your witty clubs and least of all your grades."

Ben frowned, "Why not? That's who I am, what I care about, exactly what you asked for." He had already decided he didn't like Andre one bit. So far, he just couldn't point out why he felt that way.

"Sure," Andre replied, "Maybe that shows you are interested in a lot of things and are very ambitious. Or maybe, that just shows you have extremely wealthy parents who can afford you to join all those different clubs so that you can certainly make it into one of the most expensive universities that you, of course, will have no trouble paying because of dear mom and dad."

Completely taken aback by the sudden response, Ben straightened his back and kept his narrowed eyes on the now evil creature in front of him. "Wow, you really think that you've figured this all out, don't you?"

Shrugging his shoulders, Andre slouched back into his chair. "Tell me I'm wrong."

Having to swallow that comment away, Ben nodded slowly. "You- Are you really just putting your jealousy on me? I can't help it that my father is a very influential-"

"Entertainment lawyer, yes, Ben. You've said that five times now already." Andre wasn't annoyed, but rather completely calm. Still, Ben had never found someone as annoying. "Look, I didn't mean to offend you, but it's the truth. And it doesn't matter that they are rich people. It just doesn't have anything to do with who you are."

Ben felt the defense he had build himself break, or rather being torn down by the practical stranger in front of him.

"Can't I write about Jane instead? I mean, the two of you are friends, right? It'll be so much easier for you to write about Ben." Andre looked at Jane, who didn't even care to look up at him.

"No." Ben replied sternly and maybe a bit too immediate. "Jane and I agreed to me writing about her and her writing about you. You can't just come into our group and change the rules."

Jane allowed a chuckle to leave her mouth. It made Ben have to suppress a grin.

"I knew you were like somewhat of an asshole." Andre was done with the stuck up boy, "But I thought, hey there's gotta be something good about him. If the fucking kindest girl of school is friends with this douche, there's gotta be something interesting about him. Guess I was wrong."

Ben felt his heart sink and just allowed it to.

"No, you were quite right." Jane finally added into the conversation, practically catching Ben's heart with both of her hands before it'd managed to hit the ground. She still kept her eyes on the pages and didn't follow up her statement.

Andre shook his face, "Well then?" He paused, "Is either of you going to give some depth into Ben's mind or am I really going to have to write about his lame mansion of a house."

Jane tore his glance from the words in her hands and found Ben's. Tilting her face lightly, she gifted him a comforting pout. And then, she started to talk about the things she didn't want to talk about. "I mean, of course I would've wished the circumstances had been different, but Ben and I have only been growing towards one another for the past few weeks."

Ben felt his lips part. A nervous breath escaped.

"He's been a bit of a safe haven for me." She continued calmly, "And for my family just as much."

Andre finally seemed to find his patience back again. "Clarify that, please?" He scribbled her words down in his notebook.

Jane shrugged her shoulders uncomfortably, "Ben is perhaps really actively present in class, but I tend to think that he's just as much of an observing human being. He has the biggest eye for detail I've have seen with anyone and I think that makes him so much more fragile."

Ben looked down at his hands. He didn't think she'd think of him like that. He'd tried pushing his educational enthusiastic side forward so much that he really didn't think she'd seen any further than that.

"I mean, I don't want to give too much of my input, both because it might be too personal to me but also to Ben who, I think, is really still trying to find himself. But, I don't know, that's not my place to talk about him." Jane motioned with her hand to Ben, trying to have him to continue.

He just couldn't.

His entire body felt warm with tingles and his eyes had started boiling. He wanted to allow tears to slip from his eyes, but he couldn't. He could feel the goose bumps on his arms and patches of skin that felt almost on fire, as if someone was embracing him once again.

Finally. Finally someone had seen him.

He didn't just feel seen- He felt loved, admired, appreciated and most of all: valid. Because he'd taken in the fact that Jane didn't deny his parents being rich and paying for everything Ben did and wanted to do and still she'd found him enough to build a friendship with. He was good enough. Finally.

Jane noticed the shaking boy in front of her. She knew she couldn't just take his hand and walk him out of the library, to a place where he could catch a breath and calm down from whatever he was going through. So instead, she softly hit her shoe against his under the desks.

It helped, somewhat.

"For instance," She spoke, never looking away from Ben's warm eyes, "I've been having quite a difficult time with, you know, things. And I've been trying to hide myself, a lot." Her voice cracked, "I still want to, but Ben noticed something was up. So he took me out of class- I don't know."

Andre looked at her, intrigued.

"We escaped to the orchard and it wasn't even that we had the most intimate conversation or anything, but just having someone to avert my thoughts to and have me realize that there are so many small and so many big sides to life- I'm not making any sense, am I?" Jane chuckled, "He's just. I don't know how to put it into words. He's there."