mentanoia - ben gross

chapter twelve;

Chapter twelve;

Rubbing his fingers over his black ink pen, Ben cracked his neck. His lips were pushed into a straight line and with disappointment dancing in his heart, he tried to put all his focus on the words that lay on the tip of his tongue. He could hear them, he could feel them, but forcing them to be translated into visual letters was somehow a scary thing for Ben. It was part of the denial he was in, towards his own feelings. To him it felt like, if he didn't write his thoughts down, they were less real and rather indefinite.

Slowly taking in a deep breath through his nose, he narrowed his eyes.

"Come on, Benjamin. Just- Let it out." He told himself, feeling his fingers tremble slightly. Scratching his teeth over his knuckles, he could still feel how glassy his eyes were.

Pushing the pen down on the paper, he took another breath. Closing his eyes for just three seconds, he scattered all the courage and strength that was left inside of him before moving the pen over the paper.

Dear Benjamin Gross, today was a shitty day. I'm not going to lie to you. I'm not even going to keep anything for you. Today was not a good one. Shira all of a sudden ditched me and the Clippers game to go work on her fucking brow or something and Jane wasn't at school today so I couldn't ask her to come with. I thought about driving by her house to offer her the ticket anyway, but if she wasn't at school she probably not feeling well so I decided to let her be. I hope she's okay.

He paused, frowning at himself when he realized how fifty percent of what he'd written was about her. He wanted to scratch his pen through the sentences and start over, but he decided not to.

I thought either Trent or Marcus would've been open to join me and my dad. Guess I overestimated them because they looked at me like

Ben hesitated as he let his pen hover over the text.

Because they looked at me like I was a complete freak.

He felt his heart drop when he wrote the word down. Automatically, Ben start breathing quicker. But something about it, something about how his words made him feel more alive, made him continue nonetheless.

Anyway. Dad ditched me too, through a fucking text. And then I saw Patty, who's finally working again after what happened, and she seemed uneasy. I think she still struggles a lot and I don't blame her. But yeah, I decided to give her the tickets so that she and her sons, or maybe even Jane and them, could go. At least someone will be having a good time tonight.

He hated how sad the words sounded, just because he knew how true they were.

But who knows. Tomorrow could be a good day. Like the one I had when Jane and I went to the orchard. I think I wanna go there for a brisk morning walk tomorrow. Maybe that will help me clear my mind.

Just as he dropped the pen on his desk, the door bell rang. Reaching out for his iPad, he quickly checked the security cameras. Instantly he threw himself to his feet and rushed out to the front door. On his way there he kept wiping his now sweaty hands against his jeans, but it didn't help. His heart was racing and didn't stop when he opened the door.

Trying to find a comfortable position to stand in, he tried pushing his hands in his pockets, but that only made them sweaty again.

"Jane." He breathed, a crack in his voice that he tried to ignore, "And Max and Kevin, how are you guys?" Almost as if it had become normal for him, he knelled down and held his arms out. It still felt so strange, but when Max and Kevin ran into Ben's arms, Ben decided it had totally been worth it.

Jane chuckled quietly. She looked just as exhausted and worn out as any other day.

Ben looked at her and greeted her by giving her a suppressed smile. As the two younger boys took a step back from the warm hug, Ben noticed the three tickets to the Clippers game in Jane's hands.

"There's no paper due tomorrow." She told him with a gentle smile, "You're not busy, Ben."

His smile fell, and a rather apologetic one returned. "I figured you guys probably needed an evening out more than me." He lied, "You guys can still make it, I can drive you there if you want."

Laughing quietly, Jane shook her face and for a moment Ben thought he'd seen a blush on her cheeks.

"Jane said you'd take us." Max chirped, his eyes big as he looked at Ben excitedly. "I've never been to a baseball game before, and neither has Kevin, right Kevin?"

Kevin gave a small nod, though his focus was clearly fixed on the flowers outside of Ben's house.

Jane rolled her eyes, "Can I just- Can I have a quick word with you?" She waited until Ben had nodded, "How about the two of you go take a look in Ben's living room? Just don't go into his backyard." She told her brothers, who immediately ran off.

Taking Ben aside, she let a sigh escape her lips. She averted her gaze from his, clearly uneasy about the things she wanted to talk about. Ben couldn't help but warm up a little.

"I know I don't have the right to make assumptions like these about you." Jane started, her voice sounded quite determined and confident, but the way she moved told Ben the exact opposite. "But if I were in your position, you know-" She stopped talking and thought about her words. Shaking her face to herself, she tried again. "Obviously, I'm not going to pressure you into taking the boys to the game. But I just know how much they want to go with you specifically, and I just had the feeling that you could use it too."

Ben tilted his face. He frowned a little, confused to whether she had somehow sensed the way Ben had been feeling all day. But how. How could Jane possibly know how alone Ben had felt today? She hadn't even gone to school.

"And I don't want to force a friendship with my brothers onto you, you know." She quickly added, "I- I don't know how to explain it properly." She exhaled loudly, frustration shining in her eyes.

To Ben, it felt like his clothes had been ripped from him. Like he was standing bare naked in front of her. Like she could see every little thing he felt or thought, even the ones that Ben himself wasn't even aware of. He felt the most fragile he'd ever felt.

His eyes started trembling, but he was too stubborn. Never in a million years would Benjamin Gross allow himself to break down in front of a girl who's had it so much worse than him.

"I don't know, maybe it's silly. But you've been talking about this Clippers game ever since we started hanging out and I just can't wrap my mind around you not wanting to go. So there has to be something to it- And it's none of my business, so you don't have to tell me, but I just think it'd be good if you still went."

Ben nodded slowly and swallowed his tears away. "Sure." His voice cracked again, "Yeah, sure." He cleared his throat, "I'll take them. I'd love to."

Jane's eyebrows itched up, "I don't want you to feel like you have to say yes. Or like I'm trying to make you their baby sitter or whatever."

He shook his face, those would be the last thoughts on his mind. "It's fine, it's fine." He replied, "But don't you want to go yourself?" It came out chirped, but at this point Ben didn't care much.

Jane shrugged her shoulders, "I would have loved to, but the boys have been dreaming of this for so long." She laughed, "It's fine. I'm just really thankful you gave them this opportunity at all."

Ben bit the inside of his cheeks, "You know we can just get you a ticket?" He suggested kindly, "I am kind of petrified to suddenly have the responsibility to keep watch of two kids and you being there would kind of be- helpful."

Rolling her eyes, her smile was wide. "You're the sweetest, but unlike you I actually do have a ton of homework at home waiting for me. I really don't want another lecture of Mr. Shapiro telling me how I'm throwing away a sicko possible future I could have."

But Ben persisted. "I'll help you." He instantly replied, a bit abrupt. "You help me watch your brothers, I help you conquer your history essay."

Jane looked down at her feet. She really wanted to go. Then, she nodded.