DO NOT READ THIS

IF YOU READ THIS YOU'LL... GET COAL IN YOUR STOCKING?

ASH: MERRY CHRISTMAS! HAPPY PANCHA GANAPATHI! HAPPY MALKH! HAPPY HANUKKAH! MERRY YALDA! MERRY NEWTONMAS AND QUAID-E-AZAM'S!! HAPPY BOXING DAY! MERRY KWANZAA! HAP-

CLA: You're such a dork. 

ASH: No, just rejoicing in all the Christmas spirit! 

CLA: Well, it's present time, so let's go rejoice in the Christmas spirit by opening presents!

ASH: Of course that's what you find important... the presents. Well, alright then. But where's Joe? I thought he was partaking in the gift-giving this year? 

CLA: No, I just really, really, really want to open my present from Joe! Plus I want you to open my present from me. Joe's right behind you, by the way.

ASH: *turns around faster than Lightening McQueen and shrieks* Joe!! You can't do that!!

JOE THE MONKEY FROM THE MOON: *nods solemnly* 

CLA: NOW LET'S OPEN THE PRESENTS! I want Ash to open it! 

ASH: Jeez, okay, okay! What did you even get me? There isn't even a box for me under the tree! 

CLA: Well, I ate the physical part of your present. It was a box of salted carmels. *smiles in a way that shows she's totally not sorry*

ASH: ...Typical. Well, what's the non-physical part of my present? Your never-ending love and friendship? 

CLA: No, it's the amazing honor of my Third-in-Command, which really doesn't do anything unless both Joe and I die, but you know....

ASH: JOE is your second-in command?! ...Okay. Ouch. That hurts just a bit.

JOE THE MONKEY FROM THE MOON: *nods solemnly*

CLA: Well you were the one who wrestled me for a keyboard! You fought my command! Joe never did. 

ASH: Wow, you hold grudges. That was, like, almost a year ago!

CLA: How do you know? I'm the all-powerful ruler of the universe. It might feel like a year ago to you, but really it was just a day. 

ASH: So... the day all of this started, the day the UNIVERSE began- That was yesterday, Christmas Eve?

CLA: No, it was two days ago. Get it right, Ash!

ASH: You know what, never mind. Thank you for your gift. Joe, what did you get Cla?

JOE THE MONKEY FROM THE MOON: *Points in the vague direction of the closet and nods solemnly* 

CLA: *opens closet* GASP!!

ASH: Oh my god... All the bananas... They're covered in bruises! 

CLA: JOE, WHY DID YOU GET ME BRUISED BANANAS?! I thought we were friends!

JOE THE MONKEY FROM THE MOON: *sheds a single perfect tear*

ASH: No, wait, look at this- It's a note! 

CLA: *clears throat* "Dearest Ash-eth: Thou hath been holding me hostage, to teacheth thou "Shakespearian" for the last few month-eths. Andeth noweth, I hath decided to taketh outeth my anger on thous bananas! It hath be the perfect act of revenge, if I do sayeth soeth myself-" Wait, is that how all bananas get bruised at night? People beat them up? "Since thou hath forced me to watcheth thateth terribleth movie witheth thateth strange greeneth man whometh "Stole Christmas" I hath cometh upeth with a few ideas... Aseth result of thou keeping me hereth, I shall steal thou's Christmas byeth beating upeth every lasteth oneth of the bananas thateth that monkey waseth going toeth give you! Muah-eth-ha-eth-ha-eth-ha!" 

ASH: *jaw drops* Oh my god... Mountains of bananas... Mountains of bruised bananas... No... I.... I never meant for this to happen!!

CLA: I call President George Washington back to the box!

 *the closet of bananas that was a Christmas-y room and a normal room and a kitchen counter and has been a box and a closet (with a fridge of bananas) and a room and a nothing and a stage and a courtroom and many, many other things becomes a box once again.*

GEORGE WASHINGTON: Howeth Dareth Thou! I waseth making myeth esapeth! 

CLA: You can't escape without my permission. Haven't you learned that yet?

ASH: Look, Cla, we should just let him go! *whimpers* All those poor bananas.... Cla, we can't keep him here, or else some other disaster might happen! I was cruel to keep him here so long...

CLA: Fine. But first, he must make up for all the bananas he bruised. They were my Christmas present from my second-in-command, after all.

JOE THE MONKEY FROM THE MOON: *nods solemnly*

GEORGE WASHINGTON: Alright, alright! Anything aseth longeth aseth I mayeth get awayeth frometh thou maniacs! 

ASH: As your punishment...

CLA: You must check every last bulb on this 1500-light LED string of Christmas lights. 

GEORGE WASHINGTON: Whateth areth theseth "Christmas lights?"

ASH: Oh-eth, Thou is about toeth find outeth! 

CLA: Merry Christmas, everyone- Live long and prosper!

ASH: Cla, I think it's supposed to be "And to all a good night" but... you know what? Yeah. Live long and prosper is much better.

END OF CHA-

*BLOOPERS*

*Que the repetitive, fast-paced, random dancing music*

BEEP

ASH: Wait, I don't understand, how would you even bruise a banana- oh. Wait. The NORMAL type of banana... Haha.... redo? 

BEEP

ASH: Okay Claudia, we left off at you reading that note last time we took a break- what do you say now? We really need to finish the chapter! 

CLA: I'm in the middle of a game of Battle Cats, gimme a sec!!

ASH: Or, like, an hour... *sighs*

BEEP

ASH: Cla, we have written literally two sentences since the last break. And that break consisted of watching an entire movie! If we're gonna make this one twice as long as normal, we gotta pick up the pace! 

CLA: *on phone* tap tap tap No I'm losing again!! tap tap tap

BEEP

GEORGE WASHINGTON: Alright, alright! Anything as long as I can get away from you maniacs! Oh.. wait a second... Um... Eth. Forgot the eths. Start over!!

BEEP

*just opening closet door*

CLA: *walks away laughing*

GEORGE WASHINGTON: No! I forgot to put the "Eths" in my letter! I had to come back and add them! You have to open the closet later! 

BEEP

ASH: Cla? Cla, this is our first Bloopers thing, we need ideas. Cla. Cla what should I put in the Bloopers?

CLA: tap tap tap

BEEP

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE- OR HAVE A HAPPY WHATEVER-HOLIDAY YOU CELEBRATE! 

We'll see you all in the next chapter! 

END OF CHAPTER