Hero (english version)

Chapter 7

I can't hardly breathe. I've been looking for Lonnie everywhere... Unsuccessfully. I can't find Catra either. I don't even think she wants to be found. Not after what she told us. Catra's words echo on my mind.

"What's so bad about me?"

I place my hands on my ears. Again. That sound. No, no, no. Not here, Adora.

The hallways are almost empty, everyone seems to be training at this hour. However, after what happened, Shadow Weaver has decided to allow me the rest of the day off. "As long as tomorrow you are back to being the same as always. Or I'll be forced to take action," she has said.

The sound intensifies.

"Shut up, shut up," I tell to myself over and over again.

But I can't stop thinking. My thoughts move at a speed my emotions are unable to go. I can't do this anymore. This is not what you want, Adora. Can't you see it?

"Shut up, shut up, shut up!" I repeat to myself. I have to get out of here.

The face of that girl comes to my mind. Her eyes... those dark brown eyes. Her voice resonates inside of me again.

"It was true... you don't understand anything... don't you, Adora?"

I hear her laugh for a second, before she says, "That sound, it's you".

"Adora!" Catra's voice drags me back to the present.

I lift my gaze and I look at her. She's crouching down, aiming to catch up with me. And reality hits me, without hesitation. She places her hands on mine, slowly pushing them away from my ears. And I just look at her. Without thinking, feeling or saying anything. I'm just watching her. She gives me a few minutes to calm down, giving me a sweet kiss on the forehead. She gathers the tears from my cheeks, and offers me her hand to get me back on my feet. I accept it, feeling her claws gently close on my fingers.

"Come on," she whispers.

And I follow her. I don't know where she's taking me. I just walk behind her figure. She doesn't let go of my hand for a second.

"Catra," I say, once we walk a few meters together.

She turns to look at me. I notice her cocking her head, waiting for me to continue. I smile involuntarily as I appreciate that characteristic gesture of hers. However, my face floods again with tears as I speak. "I have to go."

Her expression turns darker. I know she doesn't want to go. This is her home; this is her family... I shake my head. Our family.

Despite the pain her gaze reflects, she forces herself to draw half a smile, exposing part of her fangs. This time, it's her eyes that shed tears, despite being scarce and contained. "Why?" She questions me.

I give her a look that only she understands. A look that says: "Not here". Catra holds my hand again as gently as before. She guides me. This time I know where. The only place that is ours, the only place we can talk. Our place.

Once we get there, neither of us says anything. I'm terrified to tell her what I need to say with all my soul. How is it possible to feel such desperation to confess something, and at the same time, such panic to refer a simple word about it? I fill my lungs with air, just to release it slowly. "Easy," I tell myself.

"Hey," she whispers, entangling her fingers between mine. "You can tell me anything. You know that, right?"

I nod my head. I take air once more... And I tell her everything. Every little detail of that nightmare that haunts me. She doesn't interrupt me once. Her eyes seem mesmerized by my own existence. I only see a glimpse of a certain feeling that I'm not able to identify when I utter, once again, the words: "I have to go." Her ears droop, then rise again when she asks me her question.

"Then, what's stopping you?"

I don't answer, because she already knows. I look down, but she undoes our hands to raise my face again. Her eyes begging me to look at her. And so, I do. I look at her. I look at her until I speak again.

"I can't go without you." I admit.

She closes her eyes. I don't know if that's what she wanted to hear. She drops her hands, but she doesn't hold mine. And that simple gesture pierces my soul like a stake.

"Why can't you just stay?" She tries to be honest. "Why can't we just let everything stay as it is? I could help you stop dreaming and turn off that voice that-"

"You can't do that," I interrupt her. "No one can stop all this".

"And why not?" She raises her voice.

"Because I'm the problem, Catra!" I shout, without noticing it. "Don't you realize?! That sound is me, it's my voice, it's in my head, and I can't shut myself up, don't you understand? That voice is me telling myself... yelling at me that I need to find out who I am. And here? I'll never know. I can't be who I am here. I'm just what they tell me I need to be."

When I shut up, I realize I'm standing. Catra, meanwhile, is still in the same place. It takes me a few seconds to get back to her height.

"Catra, forgive me, I-"

"Why? I can't be angry about the way you feel," she says.

"For yelling at you," I meant to say. But I don't. I just let that strange silence be.

"I want to stay here," she admits. "But I also need to find out what this is," while she points to herself and then to me.

I can't help but smile, just as I can't help but cry. Catra places her hand on my cheek gently. I repeat her gesture, holding her face without looking away. Our foreheads meet. I think she's one of the warmest sensations I've ever felt.

"I'm going with you."

I nod my head. I know it's not fair. I know it's selfish of me to let her do this. I know she shouldn't give up on anything, much less for me. But I also know I can't do this without her.

"I promise you, we'll come back," I whisper. "I promise this won't change anything".

She nods, wrapping me in her arms. And so, without letting go for a long time, I finally understand that this martyring and heartbreaking sound is about to disappear forever.