Hero (english version)

Chapter 8

I completely wrap myself in my sheets. When Catra returns from her training, she settles at my feet, like every night. I don't say any words or emit any signs that may lead to the belief that I am awake, but I feel that she knows it.

Tomorrow we'll leave. I'll train and earn the highest possible score, like every day, to impress Shadow Weaver and make her let his guard down. And at night, we'll leave. I'll go with her. Something in me gradually unravels... she doesn't want to go with me. Perhaps that phrase is not quite well formulated. She doesn't want to leave. Although the truth is, she wants to be with me. And I need to be with her. Her mind seems to read mine, for when that fleeting thought intersects my ideas, Catra crawls into my sheets. I smile. I know she can't sleep like this.

"You can sleep at my feet, as always. Don't worry," I whisper.

Her legs tangle in mines, drawing closer to me. Catra laces her fingers through mines, wrapping me in her arms. I close my eyes and get carried away. We can't get any closer, but I still need to feel her even closer.

"I wish we could merge," I mutter.

She smiles. Her hug grows even stronger, as she lets out a light laugh. A laugh of pure happiness. A laugh that rips a smile off me.

"I... like you." I finally say.

I've never felt this way about anyone, so I don't know how to define it. Nor do I know if someone within these borders has felt something like this or merely similar. In short, I don't know what this is. I just know I don't want it to end. I want it to be forever.

"Adora..." there's a short silence. "We'll come back, right?"

I nod my head. Her voice cracks as she asks that last question. I know she's afraid. I am too. But we'll be back. Of course we'll be back. I would never betray The Horde. It's my home. The simple idea of abandoning Lonnie, Rogelio, Kyle,... I'd never do that. After all, they're my friends. And I'm not the kind of person who abandons her friends.

Catra's tail goes around me, so I can hug it until I fall asleep. And that's what I do. However, when I wake up, she's no longer here. She's at the foot of my bed... our bed. Like every night. I sit carefully on the mattress, looking at her and smiling. In a few minutes the alarm will go off, and it looks like there have been no nightmares tonight.

"Thanks to you," I whisper, even if I know she's no longer listening to me.

I place my hand on my shoulder, startled to feel someone has brushed it. I turn around in a hectic way, when a continuous "shhhh" tells me to continue in silence. Lonnie's green-brown eyes look alarmed at me. When I see her, I obey. My friend gestures with her head, motioning for us to get out. I accept, since I also want to talk to her.

I get out of bed, trying not to wake Catra. Lonnie holds my wrist and pulls me toward the exit. I'm trying to guess if her attitude leans more towards a peaceful conversation or if, on the contrary, it will turn out to be aggressive. In any case I haven't done anything wrong... right?

"What's going on?" She barks.

Okay. There's definitely some aggressiveness in her voice.

"What do you-?" I started to say.

"Catra," she forcefully says, as if she really hated her name. "What's going on with her?"

"There's nothing-"

She interrupts me. "I've seen you, Adora."

"What have you seen?" I insist, trying to sound carefree.

"I've seen the way you look at each other."

How do we look at each other? Is how I really feel about her so strong that it can be sensed even with a simple glance? I know it is. After all, I can't help but feel butterflies in my stomach when she touches me. Suddenly, without realizing it, I am smiling like a fool.

"Really? Do you really make that silly face when you think about her?" She rolls her eyes "You're so bad at lying, Adora".

And she's right. I've never been good at lying, much less to my friends. However, I must strive not to make Lonnie suspicious. At least until tonight.

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Are you in love with her?"

I tilt my head. In love? What does it mean? I've never heard that word. Why does Lonnie? She seems to read that confusion in my gaze. She rubs her arms for warmth. That's when I realize how strange it's to me to see her without her daily clothes. She wears a white tank top and loose brown pants. Her bare feet shudder at the cold emanating from the ground. I stare at her, without even blinking.

"What...? N-no-" I stutter.

Again, she rolls her eyes. "You don't know what it means, huh?"

I slowly shake my head. I feel like an idiot not knowing what it means. If she has referred that word without hesitation, it's because it's a fairly common word, right? Or so I think... Lonnie tries to end the conversation with a brief "it doesn't matter". However, I hold her shoulder, aiming to stop her march. She doesn't resist.

"What does it mean?"

"Why do you care?" She says, with judgment in her eyes.

My gaze becomes submissive, begging for an answer. Her, for her part, remains impassive, but ends up surrendering. Lonnie lets out a slight whimpering sound before agreeing. Once again, she rolls her eyes.

"Okay..." she sighs. "One day Octavia returned from a mission... feeling annoyed," she makes a pause. "We used to talk often, she said she was like me at my age," she smiles. "Anyway, she said something... she explained to me that out of here..." She shakes her head, letting that whining sound escape once again. "I don't know how to explain these kinds of things, Adora."

"Try," I insist.

She sighs. She allows herself a few moments to sort her ideas. "People fall in love with others," she makes quotation marks with her hands when mentioning the word. "It's like... choosing someone to accompany you. Someone who complements you, someone with whom-"

"I'd be with for the rest of my life." I finish her sentence.

Her voice trails off. She looks at me, examining my expression in depth.

"Well..." she whispers. "I guess you already know, don't you?" She shrugs. "It's how you feel about her," she looks up at me. "It shows that you love her. When you two are together..." she orders her words. "I think I've never seen anyone as happy as you two in those moments."

"So that's how it's called," I tell to myself. "I love her. I'm in love with her." I can't help but draw the biggest smile I'm capable of outlining. I have to tell her. Lonnie's lips curl slightly downward at my enthusiasm. Her eyes begin to shine... with sadness. My breath begins to shake. Panic takes over every corner of my soul. Just by her simple look I can deduce that something has happened. And I'm afraid I know what it is.

"What have you done?" My voice breaks when I utter that last word out loud. Lonnie's brown eyes stare at the ground, unable to rest on my shattered face.

I run to our bedroom door. Or everyone's, rather. And then, when I can't appreciate the figure of Catra on our bed, the world falls apart. The sound... my voice is back. That voice that repeats to me over and over again that this is all my fault. That voice that makes me see what I really am. A monster.

"My name is Adora, and I'll never be a heroine".

My tears soak my cheeks. I wish I could transform myself into someone completely new. I wish the earth would swallow me at this very moment, and thus disappear. I wish I was strong enough to face that the problem has always been me. The one that makes her feel like the second option, the one that makes her see that she's nobody to The Horde. And now this.

"My name is Adora and the only thing I know is that I'm the one who should be absolutely no one".

Because, that voice that repeats itself in my mind over and over again, that voice that is consuming me to death... My voice, in reality only says one thing.

"Adora, she would be better off without you."