UNCHANGEABLE - TIAOM

09

kim stays alone in her room that afternoon. the urge to see a doctor to have her shoulder checked pops in her mind from time to time but she's too lazy to do anything about it today.

for now, she'll just lay on her bed and think. lay until she falls asleep and wakes up again. lay and succumb into the deafening silence of her apartment.

besides, she can always contact either pie or her husband to talk to them about her injury.

she's not sure if that's even a good idea.

whatever.

with a plan to detach herself from the world for a little while, kim turns her phone off. she wants time, an alone time, even just a little time, to grieve and cry.

but for what?

she doesn't know yet.

all she knows is there is this heavy feeling in her chest she needs to get out of her system.

it could be because of pie--a huge part of it is always because of pie.

another part could be suzy. maybe no one will accept kim the way she is?

and then the other part is more of self-pity. why is she still living, anyway? what for? evens are gone now. what's next then? she doesn't have a living family, nor she has anyone to call her own.

she feels worthless. there's no one to live for, so what's life for?

she's hearing voices again. she knows it's just her brain making up these weird noises. still, she keeps hearing the words, the echoes, the whispers. and there's too many of them, too many to comprehend, too many to tell which is good or bad.

so, she closes her eyes and let herself fall into the abyss of memories.

jane's right. she needs to go to therapy again. she'll put that in her to-do list tomorrow, to look for another doctor. it should not be jane. the doctor shouldn't be related to pie in any way.

fuck. she needs to get pie out of her system completely or she'll go insane.

but how can she get pie out of her system?

can she do self-inflicted amnesia? maybe she can jump from her terrace with her head down first.

but wouldn't that kill her?

well, isn't dying a better idea?

dying doesn't scare her. in fact, she had learned to embrace it, a reason she was fearless during her sau days. unlike others, she sees death as a complete escape from the pain, a complete turnaround from the misery she's long fighting since she was a child.

then she hears conan's voice, reprimanding her to not hurt herself.

she laughs. and as she laughs, tears are also streaming down her temples.

she's laughing and crying at the same time.

maybe she is already insane. that's the reason no one could stand her.

maybe she's meant to be alone and miserable.

so she keeps laughing and crying until she feels sleepy. she gives in to the temptation of closing her eyes, hoping not to wake up anymore.

---

she wakes up a few hours later. the time stamp on her wall clock says it's ten in the evening.

starving, she rummages through her cupboard and was glad to find a couple of ramyun cups. she's can't remember when she bought those, but she's hungry and cup noodles are the easiest thing she can cook given her condition.