UNCHANGEABLE - TIAOM

12

as time goes by, kim's days were filled with visits from pie, jane, katrien, and occasional talks with dee whenever they see each other in the hallway.

it still amazes kim that this is happening to her now. after her painful talk with pie two years ago, it never occurred to her she'll get the chance to see the woman again, especially not regularly.

and it's not just simply seeing each other. pie is actually making an effort to visit, bring food, and help kim clean up and change. and whenever pie's shift is in the morning, her afternoon visits will always include the ever bubbly katrien. they would usually end the day with the three of them sharing dinner together before the mother-and-child goes home.

kim's not sure if peter's absence during these times is good or not. because the longer this is happening, the closer katrien gets to her. and pie, well, she is slowly letting her guard down.

it started during their first movie together one friday evening. since there are no classes on weekends, and peter was called for a surgical procedure in another town, pie and katrien stays for the night for some movies--as requested by the latter.

of course, katrien sits in between the adults. although no rule was established between them, kim feels this is the safest position for the three of them. and she thinks pie feels the same as the latter always calls katrien to sit back in the middle whenever the kid stands up or gets off the couch.

the movie's already halfway done when katrien's arm, who's lying on kim's lap while watching, slides down. that's when she and pie realise the kid has fallen asleep and is already drooling on kim's pyjamas.

not wanting to wake up the sleeping kid, pie places a pillow in between katrien's head and kim's leg. pie scoots closer so katrien's legs were on her lap.

it was awkward at first, but as soon as the tension settles down--with the help of the comedy movie--kim feels comfortable, contented, and satisfied.

kim strokes katrien's side and she's loving the feeling this simple setting brings her.

having pie and katrien in this way makes her feel like she's having her own family. and to be honest, if she has the power to choose, if she has the power to control the situation and circumstances, she'd love for it to be them.

but they don't belong to her. at the end of the day, they are still peter's family and not hers.

and now she can't stop the what ifs from conquering her mind again.

this could have been her family if she just hadn't given up before, if she hadn't chosen sau over pie.

this would have been hers if she just fought a little for pie, if she had just stayed that night in that hotel room.

it took her time to admit it to herself, but the reality is, as much as she loves pie, her burning desire to be part of sau was much greater. and finding out that pie is enjoying the company of another person is an opportunity kim took to choose the path she'd always planned to take.

that decision led her broken until now.

"you're having that faraway look again. you're thinking of something, aren't you?" pie places a hand over kim's. "if it's in any way related to the past, or your regrets, please drop it now. it won't help. it may cause you another attack."

kim's eyes stays on the sleeping kid.

"focus on the present, kim. live in the moment. that's the only way for you to have a better future."

kim looks ahead without saying a word. she wonders what the universe has in store for her future because the only thing she wants is the woman beside her and the kid on her lap.