My Journey

Chapter 7 Unquiet Mind

The journey holds many achievements and failures which are constituted by taking risks and decisions made. My mind was meddling with questions.

I remember I have been told that I have a calculating mind.

Did I live? All these years, burdened under the responsibilities; duties of a daughter, wife, mother, and career woman. During these responsibilities, I asked myself, did I live my life? I gave my best to see the smiles and the sparkle in the eyes. Do my eyes have the same smile and sparkle. Is there anyone there who can give me this?

No, no, it is an individual's prerogative, who can make the choice on the life they prefer. The path must be changed or re-defined once one realizes it is suffocating. Timely decision and action are required or else you will be tripping over leg shackles.

Never let the suffocation become the barrier to freedom.

My life experience raced before my eyes, surrounded by loved ones. I reflected on the moments which slipped by, vanishing in the thin air. I think of those I love, loved and most of all who will even miss me. The love I shared, was it shared back with me? Did I give enough love to those you truly loved me?

In many ways, the word love has been compromised with the word obligation. It hurts when the gesture of love and appreciation is compared with "anyway, it is her obligation to do this and do that."

After all these years of accomplishments, I question myself, do I even matter? These questions forced me to re-think what could I have done to earn this space.

Years of providing, changed upon approaching to an age, where the thoughts changed to, I want the security and someone to take responsibility for me. Is anyone there to take this responsibility?

There comes an age where your body is weak, mind is tired, bones are paining, shoulders are bend under heavy burdens, eyes droopy with bags, soul needs a spiritual hug, I now need someone to take my responsibility.

Is our fragility even noticed?

************************************

What defines ugliness, does the soul and love matter?

I have a small round nose, so it does not fit me being a south Indian. I am a dark-skinned person and taller than an average height of a female i.e.5ft 8inches.

In my early childhood, the elders in my family saw me as a girl with no beauty. The resentment was highly evident when they resort to seeking boys for marriage for other siblings even when I was the eldest. Their taunts echoed its way into my life.

My eyes did not deceive me, yet denials were unspoken forever. Every day, my establishment of being ugly validated through his spectated eyes. I dared not to leave him, because of insecurities in life. Questions raised in my mind, who would accept me, he is my only hope.

So, I resorted to, being faithful, love unconditionally, and be a mother, wife, and friend, thinking one day, there will be one day when one sees beyond the soul.

Is there a law or a custom or a tradition which states that one has to marry, be married or stay married?

As soon as I reached 21 years of age, elders in the family labeled me as old. This is not their fault, it's the culture from the olden times. The situation at home worsened when a few boys rejected the marriage proposal.

Is marriage the major part of life, do we have to be pushed into it without a choice. Although we are part of this decision when we say yes, do we have a choice to even say "no".