My Journey

Chapter 6 The Day my Life Changed Forever.

People do not realize someone's worth and love while one is alive on earth.

The death of a loved one changes a lot of inner feelings and meaning towards life.

There is something about losing a mother that is permanent and inexpressible–a wound that will never quite heal. By Susan Wiggs.

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I lost my mum in the year 2016. It still seems so fresh even when I think about it now.

My mum suffered from diabetes and high blood pressure to the effect her organs gave up. She underwent tremendous pain when passing away. She survived 1 year and 10 months on dialysis.

Her passing away after so much pain and suffering left us devastated. I still remember the day we were told that mum has very little time and doctors said she cannot pull through.

I was with my husband and kids in Nadi. We rushed towards Suva. Whilst on my way to Suva, I was sobbing, there were a heavy feeling and pain in my heart. I felt as if something is slipping away from me. I was trying to hold it, endure it yet, I could not clasp at it.

Those moments were fluctuating, for some time, I lost my energy, felt completely empty inside. There were no tears, no emotions, just blankly staring at the road ahead. It was like a never-ending journey – a three-hour drive to Suva.

Finally, when I reached the hospital, she was no more. I walked to her hospital bed; she was just silently lying on the bed. Her clothes were stained with blood, her mouth was open, she lay on bed lifeless.

My heart was like breaking into pieces.

Her sufferings in life were huge yet she smiled and sang. Mom was the most misunderstood person; her reactions were purely the outbursts over things that did not seat well with her.

What I am today, is her reflection, she built me, loved, and cared for me. My life is blessed with her words, she blessed me all the time, she did the same to all my siblings, but I somewhat felt special.

On my visitations to her in Suva, once or twice, she whispered to me to come back to Suva. She looked at me with pain in her eyes. I stood there staring at her, no knowing what to say. She held onto my hands, her hands were warm, she said it's okay, I know you are looking after you family.

I still miss her and it would be the same forevermore.

Despite having loved ones around yet there is an empty space. Even in a crowded place, I deeply felt empty. There is no one who would fill that space.

In this span of life while I was going through this time with mum, I thought deeply about one of my seniors at work. A few months back, she had lost her mother. She was in a very depressive state of mind, she could not focus much on how to deal with it, and on the same note, she did not probably have someone to take her out of this stage. She ended up taking early retirement. She was a person with immense knowledge and experience. Was this the right decision? I don't know but what I know for the fact is that one will never be capable of making a decision in the emotional and depressive stage.

Retirement money is not everybody's happiness, they lose the livelihood of life.

I shared my achievements with mom, every detail of my promotion, studies, and work, she smiled and said God Bless you. I saw a glow of happiness on her face, eyes lit up, lips twitched with excitement. I miss that so much.

Yet, I could not share my pain and hurt. She was a mom; she could sense it and always gave me strength and encouragement.

To date, I crave to feel her, touch her hands, and hug her. When tucked in bed cry like a baby, ached to see her once more.

When harsh words are thrown at me, I isolate myself and cry, pushing my palms in my mouth not to make sound, sobbing like a small child calling out to her. Those words which did not matter before now were piercing my soul and that pain was immense. Was this because I have not come out of the pain of losing my mother?

I saw her undergoing stress, worries, her fears. The advice "not to worry" was given to her. Yet she sat at the front porch and looked out, with anxiety and fear in her eyes for your loved ones to return home in the dark.

How can a mother stop worrying but her children whether it be one or six, they are equal in mothers' eyes.

I made a decision not to undergo these situations. I validated my stances and voiced out the focus with my family.

Motherhood, creates lots of reactions, snapping, and uncontrolled behaviors These behaviors are seen as being a villain or creating too much stress, and the loved ones start to space out.

No matter what age you are, you are still a child, and she will treat you as a child.

I started reviewing my motherhood behavior, from being the role model, a carer, a facilitator, a provider, a fighter also I was becoming a block.

I started slowing changing to another phase of life, I started giving people their space, but one thing I could not do is cut my self from motherhood obligations. Was this a bad thing? Should I just lose hope?

As a mother, our greatest gift is to help our children to become self-confident by making them self-reliant. Children must be given as much responsibility as they can handle at any age. Independence will make them learn joy, privilege, and human dignity of being on their two feet.

The lesson learned through the process is guilty of cheating my children by allowing them to be dependent on things they should have been doing themselves.

While I shall ensure love, encourage and recognize their accomplishments, I ensure to provide them the independence to do what they can do for their self-reliance.

Children are beautiful, something which you have brought in this world. We need to respect their choices and admire their strengths. They require to do what they can do, don't do it for them because that becomes dependency on others, later becomes a habit.

I am a living example of self-confidence and self-reliance. I received values and humanity from my parents, I received a decent education while under their care. The strong roots took me farther in life. I was not given things on plate; I earned every bit of it and am still doing it.