Trouble's Prodigal Son (A Mass Effect Fan Fiction)

Chapter 1: A Call

"Amilios Shepard, one of the most powerful women in the galaxy, is detained."

I stirred my wine.

"Our sources say there was a trial, but the Alliance refuses to talk. Admiral Hackett is here to clear the issue right after the break. My name is Emily Wong and this is the Alliance News Network."

I turned off the screen, not wanting to hear whatever political bullshit Hackett made up to cover for me. Not like I care anyway. They all know my mission isn't done, and the sooner they realize that locking me up isn't going to make the Reapers go away, the better. That's all that matters.

I finish my glass of wine. House arrest isn't too bad, especially with that star-struck lieutenant, Jeremy er— Jameston or whatever, bringing me the good stuff. It's a nice change of pace, especially given that a few months ago I was chasing down Collectors with my team.

My team— I wonder how they're doing. I wonder how Garrus is doing.

Just as I reach for the wine bottle again, someone bursts through my door. I turn around, biotics flaring, but it's just Jeremiah— Jameston— oh, fuck it.

"What is it now, lieutenant? Wait, let me guess, half of the galaxy blew up, and Anderson wants to see me?" I ask as I place the wine on the table next to the recliner I had sprung out of.

"Not far off, Commander," he chuckled.

"Spit it out, then."

"It seems that you are the legal guardian of a krogan, Commander, and he just vandalized the human embassy," James was trying not to laugh, "Anderson is on the comm and would like to have a word with you."

...

"Shepard," the Admiral greets.

I stand in front of his holographic likeness at full attention.

"Hello, Anderson. I trust politics are beating your ass," I remark. Whats-his-name looks at me in shock.

"I see you haven't changed," he smiles.

"It takes more than death to kill me. Oh, wait."

Anderson barks out a laugh. "Thank you, James. You are dismissed."

That's his name. I'll try to remember that. James salutes and leaves the room.

"Onto business then. There is a krogan in CSec's custody by the name of Grunt who is legally listed under your name."

"Grunt? That little shit. What did he do?"

"He wrote DEEZ NUTS on Udina's office door and—” Anderson coughs.

"And?" I prompt.

"And climbed to the top of the krogan statue in the presidium naked while screaming that he is the king of the rock," he says with a blank expression.

"Anything else?"

"When CSec was attempting to take him into custody he managed to set the car on fire, and when the officers jumped out, he stole the car and raced around the Citadel. He was finally captured when he walked into a sushi restaurant while on fire to get some sashimi."

I was trying very hard not to laugh, but when Anderson finally looked up from the report, we both started cracking up.

"When asked what he had to say for himself, he said that he wanted to build a snowman."

"Oh good lord, I love that guy."

"Shepard, you do realize you'll have to pay for the damage?'

"Anderson, you do realize I'm a fuckin' millionaire from saving the word two times? The Alliance might not pay me, but guess what? Some people are grateful when you work your ass off to help them. What'd you think I was doing for the past year? Just rushing the collector base with no resources because I felt like it? You have no faith in me."

"To be fair you were a suspected terrorist for that year."

"Tsk, tsk. So little faith. I'll have you know my entire team and my ship survived that trip completely intact. Seriously, you'd think you Alliance types would realize I know how to do my job by now."

Anderson looked exasperated, "Shepard, you're under house arrest."

"Yeah. It's bullshit, right?"

Anderson shook his head at me, "Maybe you shouldn't shit talk the people listening in."

"Look, man. I stopped caring when I died for them and they slapped my face on an inspirational poster without taking any of my warnings. If they want me to care, they've gotta stop acting like pussywipes and let me do my godamn job."

Anderson nodded slightly and sighed. "Well, I've gotta get back to running the Citadel. I'll send you the paperwork and your bank the bill, deal with it as you see fit."

"Yes sir, Anderson, sir."

He sighed again and cut the link. I took that as my cue to flip off the hidden cameras and leave.

James stood outside of the door. As I walked out he saluted (which was unnecessary and annoying) and led me away like he was marching to his death.

I took pity on the poor guy. He obviously was not used to my antics.

"Loosen up, lieutenant. Anderson ain't gonna do shit. He's practically family. I might get stuck in here longer for insubordination but I acted this way before dying so probably not."

James gave me a curious look, scoffing, "You always been this disrespectful?"

"Yeah. Why'd you think I never give speeches and shit?" I paused to look at him, "They're fuckin' scared of what I'll say, that's why. Ever since Akuze, I've zero patience for their bull, and they been known it. This ain't new, lieutenant, it's on them for refusing to brief you proper. Assholes."

James laughed, actually laughed. He had to stop his March to catch his breath. I'd thought the man incapable, with that military stick all the way up his ass, but I guess I've got a way with men who need to loosen up a bit.

"You're a riot, Commander."

"Please, call me Shepard. Lord knows I've been 'commanding' for way too long. Might as well treat my detainment as a happy vacation from it."

"Yes ma'am."

I groaned at the formality and he chuckled like a dickhead.

"Let just get back then, you shit. Mama's got wine calling her name." I put my hand to my ear like I could hear it. He shook his head and continued leading me to fancy jail.

I followed with a slight quirk of my lips.