King of Crime ✔️

Billy Corgan

I drove back with Samuel. As soon as I sat down in the familiar car, smelled the familiar cigarette-smell, felt the familiar engine rumble through me, my body shut off. I was asleep before I knew it.

I think Samuel took the extra, extra-long route to our neighborhood, because when I woke up, it felt like I had slept off all the weariness. But maybe that was because I was hyping up finally being alone with Samuel big time, or because I was downright horny. 

If he didn't look so tired when I glanced up at him, I would've indefinitely jumped him and let him car-fuck me, right there, right then. 

Sure, Sam. Like you'd actually dare.

As soon as my full body had escaped the sleep, my hand went for his, that casually rested between us. 

Somehow, with him, I felt more at home than I had felt in a long while. 

My fingers brushed over his, trembling with anticipation, even though I knew nothing was going to happen tonight. His hand responded by lifting his fingers, so I could strangle them with mine. My breathing was already too ragged for simple handholding.

All I wanted was to ask him if I could stay over. I knew Diane wasn't home, I already called her to tell her I was back, and she told me she was staying at her parent's. She was coming back for me, but she'd arrive the next day. 

I wanted all but to sleep alone tonight, but I kind of embarrassed myself with the cookie-crying. Plus, I didn't dare to ask.

My fingers played with his, while he steered into the maze that was our neighborhood, getting closer and closer to my apartment. The tension was rising in my body as every fiber in it fought against my brain's decision.

"Do you want to stay over at mine?" Samuel suddenly asked, unperturbed, making my heart jump. 

Did he read my mind? He must've. But I guess my fingers weren't really beating around the bush either. Well, go on, tell him you want to.

"Yeah I do."

"I'm not sure if I still have condoms." 

His declaration put me on fire. With one sentence, he put an end to my endless pondering how I was going to get him to bang me. He must be toying with me. 

But when I glanced up at him, he was still wearing his dead-serious face. Well, I guess it is a good thing he was thinking the same things as I was. But isn't he way too exhausted?

"I don't have anything." I had myself checked after Johann.

"I don't, either. I think, at least."

"Shit, that's comforting," I blurted out, making his mouth twitch. 

Then, suddenly, all kinds of insecurities came to mind like a lack of oxygen putting out the fire in me. I can't fuck, he'll be so disappointed at my non-existent boobs, I haven't had a shower, I haven't shaved in two days, what if he doesn't like stubble down there? What if he's completely turned off? What if I can't even turn him on? 

Plus, it probably was just going to hurt again.

"Don't get too anxious," he said, as I noticed my fingers clenching around his. His words surprised me.

"Hah, I'm not anxious." 

I released them, trying not to remember the feeling of being torn open. I'd always told myself the second time would be better, but what if it wasn't?

"Alright." 

Don't give up so easily, idiot. Ask me about it. I want to talk to you. 

Samuel drove past my apartment and I followed it fly by, afraid I made the wrong choice. Shut up. Don't get too anxious, I silently said to myself in the most Samuel-way. He fucks a lot; he knows what to do. Just trust the man.