The Other Us

Part 8: Married In A Fever: Problems Arise Like Smoke

Walking out of the courthouse, I look up at Mo, and I feel like my world complete. But somethings still doesn't feel right. I feel like my world is shifting in on myself. I feel like... Like I'm slowly suffocating. I don't know why. I don't know why I feel so sick to my stomach right now. This is what I wanted. I wanted to be with Mo. but why do I feel like my whole body is going to break in half?

"Are you OK? My wife's not upset are you?" He has a big smile on his face as he pulls me close to his body. I always loved him. Maybe I'm feeling so sick because we weren't supposed to do this. Or maybe it's because, we did it too fast. Or possibly because I already know the outcome of what's going to happen with him. He knows too. He knows whatever time we have is limited, and this is just a formality.

"Yeah... I'm perfect."

"I'm not gonna feel like somethings bothering you?"

"I just... I'm just a little sad that I didn't get to do the whole actual wedding thing with my family." I could care less to be honest. I can't let him know that I'm having doubts already. Everything's already done. There's no one doing it. I mean, there is, but what would be the point? 

"Well, we could always just fly out there and let them know. You're almost done with school anyway. You're going back, maybe... Maybe I should come with you."

"You have your job at the DamYou can't leave that. I'd be really dumb too."

"True but what else are we gonna do if you were going to spend time together-what little we have."

"Then I'm not going back. I don't need Cambridge. I can do everything I need right here in New York." I had a dream the other night, but I did go back to London. Everything was beautiful out there, and everything let me write back to New York. So if I cut out the middle part – shouldn't life just flow as normal?

"But... It's fate for you to go back to London. You said so yourself."

"I know... But... We already bent the rules once and nothing bad happened. So why don't we just do this one last time." My stomach churns. I can't stop thinking about what's going to happen if we do this.

"I have no reason to stay. Not any more. I'm sorry Max- but there can be nothing between us."

Across the street, I see Max and I talking. He seems angry and upset. I seem uncaring and cruel.

"But you promised me! You said you loved me, Helen."

"Yes, well, I don't. I was just getting over my own problems and you were a good outlet for that. It's not my fault if you couldn't see that."

We don't look older. We look...like us. The present us. How can I be so cruel to Max? 

"How can you say that?"

"Because it's true and I don't lie. I don't love you Max. We will never be together and frankly, there's nothing you can say to change my mind on the matter."

Max is crying and angered. I am unmoving and calloused. Before they disappear, Max looks in my direction as the other me dissipates. Our eyes lock and it's similar to last night.

"Helen... Helen..." I look up at Mohammed, and I feel the tears coming down my cheeks. Why did I say that? Why would I ever say that to Max? I do love him. I would do anything to be with him. So why was I so mean? What's going to happen that causes us to be so... Distant?

"I'm sorry... I think an eyelash got in my eye." Shaking my head, I look up at him and smiled the best I can. But my insides are all twisted and burning. We walk back to his apartment, and the whole way I just can't stop thinking of Max. Taking my phone out, I see that he called me. Fuck. The hell am I gonna do?