The Other Us

Part 9: The Doorway

She's married.

She's blaming me.

I'm so angry right now. I'm so jealous of him. And for the second part of my life I'm back into the depression that I wants knew so well. I thought I got rid of it. I thought I got rid of all the sadness in my body when I met Helen than everyone else. When I started living finally. But it's still there. Just lingering beneath the surface. Staring off at the lake, I just watch the cold white caps rise to the surface. She wants us to try to revert everything that's happened. Try to make everything that didn't belong rewrite it self to go back to hell the future supposed to be. But how the hell does she know what the future supposed to be whether or not she sees the flashes? How do we even know if what we're seeing is real? I don't even know if it has any effect on us? I could just jump in this water with rocks in my pocket and let myself sync to the bottom. I could just jump off the highest bridge in New York and just die. It would solve everything. She certainly wouldn't have to worry about me messing up our future. Her future. Future was already planned and then I came in and I ruined it. You know I never even wanted this. Had it all planned out. So it's just Luna'sdream not mine. My plan was to just... Stop existing after high school. Just wanted to disappear. Because who the hell would miss me anywhere besides my parents. But I stayed around, for Luna. Do you all this for Luna.

Now look at me. How fucked up I am. I was finally happy. I was finally smiling and living. And now it's gone. The smiling. The living. The consistency of my depression is back. I'm hurting Helen. I don't want to. I don't want to hurt her in anyway. By being around that's all I'm doing. I heard her crying on the phone. I've heard her so much that... There's nothing else I'm good for.

"Hey man, you good?" Reynolds comes up beside me and looks at me staring into the water. I look up at him briefly and shake my head.

"No... Not in the slightest."

"Anything I can do to help?"

"No...I can't even help myself."

"Listen, I know what it's like to feel like you've lost everything. Especially when it comes to a woman. But the thing is this all you have to do is just keep your head up and keep going. Something better always come around and find you. God makes sure of it."

"I never really believed in God. I never really believed in much. I don't think there's a way out of this. That is a continuous loop of feeling... Useless and worthless. I mean, what can I do? I've only been ruining everything for her. I just... I just can't do anything right."

"That's not true Max. You're one of a kind dude. You care about everyone. You are your way to help everyone. You mean so much to all of us. It's not just Helen that need you. I want to you. We all do. You're the member of the group that everyone feels so comfortable with. That everybody just wants to be around. Just don't get wrapped up in one person. I don't get down on yourself." Clapping a hand on my shoulder, he looks at me and then heads off towards the car. We're getting ready to leave, nobody caught anything. Doesn't matter anyway. As I head back to the car, I hear it.

"Then just tell me."

My voice is low and demanding- yet also very sad.

"Oh for God Sakes Max. I did it for you. Everything I have done. I have done for you."

I look around, but I don't see them. I don't know where were at. I don't know what we're talking about. But I don't ever answer her back. I don't say anything else and neither does she. My heart twists in my chest. I feel so heavy. I feel so... Guilty. If I get in the car, I'll look out the window to try and find an answer. There's no one there though. Iggy starts driving off, and my whole insides are tossing and turning. Helen was so upset on the phone. I wonder why? Is it just because she's tired of this or because she's truly fearful of where the future is going? What does she have to fear? It's not like anything terrible is going to happen because of our choices. She's paranoid. I'm depressed and she's paranoid- so what's the future looking like? What does she really care about anyway? The future of us or the future of herself?