The Pretty Blindfold ✔

Old habits die hard

Sorry.

For a sorry to be genuine, before anything, there should be a reason for its existence.

She had heard the same word echo a thousand times in her life. Successfully, she could always deduce the reason behind it. For the first time, she did not know. She should not be bemused though, strange things had been happening to her lately.

"Why?" She asked incredulously.

Sarah just glanced towards the door.

Oh.

But it was not her fault. How was Sarah responsible for anything her brother did? Ezra was old enough to be held accountable for his own choices. If anybody were to say sorry, it had to be Ezra. Reeling from the bitterness of his words, she shook herself to pay attention to the poor girl.

"We know you are not used to this. This..." She waved at her surroundings. "I am sorry. We should have done better."

"No. Stop. It's not your fault. You don’t need to clean up your brother's mess."

"Though I am sorry, it is not for my brother's behaviour."

"What?"

"My brother did what any person would do for the people they love. We are not like you. We don't earn like you. But we earn enough to have a roof over our heads and go to bed with food in our stomach. However, if it wasn't for my disability, then we would have more money to pay for maintenance. At least that portion which goes for my monthly treatment."

"But I didn't ask any of you to pay for it. I was paying it myself."

"It is not about who pays. It is about self-respect. You may or may not have intended to, but you ended up treating us like your charity. If your generosity hurts others, then are you really being generous?"

If your generosity hurts others, then are you really being generous?

Had not Maria said the same thing before? Had not Maria warned that if she was not careful, she would end up hurting someone seriously? But Lilah only considered it as gibberish.
And now? Now she wished she had asked Maria to explain.

In her world, everything was about money. And in that craze, often epithet was considered to be one of those misguided acts of generosity.

As time passed, noon to evening to night, she finally understood what Maria meant all along.

What she had considered as helping someone was never really helping. Like the time when she told a girl, who broke her jaw severely in school, to get plastic surgery with the only intention of helping. Later she realised, that girl had always been bullied for being 'too ugly'; but by then, they had graduated.

If only her so-called friends had not supported her and praised her for being so thoughtful, she would have realised her mistake then itself. But those friends stuck with her for a long while, along with those mistakes.

Now, in the absence of such a wretched company and their equivalent affirmations, she realised it was never about helping. It was always a means to cater to her selfishness.

The Jones had provided her with a place to stay when the rest of the world was too busy sending hate comments. They knew of what happened, having seen the prima facie evidence – the videotape, yet never questioned her.

On one of her late-night rounds, she found Ezra sleeping on the couch. That was when she knew the room she stayed in, was his.

When she was busy moaning at the amount of her calorie intake, they went out of their way to buy her ingredients for salads. She had been rude so many times, one of them being vocally criticizing their choice of car, but they never riposted.

They could have easily mocked her for the huge controversy, still a hot topic with the media, but they did not. They never brought it up, as if they knew she would not want to think about it.

And in return of that genuine care - first, in all her twenty-five years of existence - she could not even set aside her perturbation. She had insulted them in the worst way possible. Though it was impulsive, there was no excuse for her actions.

And as the seams of thoughts burst open into realizations, she knew what she had to do. So even though her stomach grumbled for not eating anything, despite the numerous invites, she left the room she had been cooped in for the entire day.

As she walked around, she noticed a silhouette on the balcony. Her curiosity got the best of her and she found herself standing next to Ezra.

"What are you here for?"

"I..."

"Look I don't have time for your games."

She deserved that one.

"I'm sorry."

He turned to stare at her incredulously, not believing the words that came out of her mouth. True she had never apologised, but he made it look as if she and apologies were an impossible combination.

"I'm sorry... I... I... God this is so difficult! I've never done this before," she tugged at her hair.

"Done what?"

"Apologize."

"Never?" Now that he could believe. In his mind, apologizing for her mistakes was one of the many things she never bothered to do. For him, she was a spoilt brat, too stuck up for redemption.

"Yes... But believe me when I say this, I am genuinely sorry for how I have behaved for the past few days, including today. I have never thought about how bad my words and actions can hurt others. For me, it has always been what I want and what I think. And I know it is no justification, but I only hope you forgive me."

He kept silently peering at her, trying to gauge the truth behind her words, as she squirmed for his response. Then as if being done with his scrutiny he continued staring at the sky above, still not responding.

But she did not leave. She would not leave until he said something, even if that something was a total rejection of her heartfelt apology.

Sensing her determination, he continued, "You know, when Aunt Maria called informing us of your problem, I was completely against accommodating you. Ma, Pa and Sarah were willing, unlike me. I did not want to meet some self-conceited woman who had hurt her driver. But then I agreed. Only because it was Aunt Maria and I trusted her judgement. She said that video was forged, and you were nothing like how I thought you to be. I hoped you would prove me wrong."

But she had not. While she was busy whining about how unjust the world was, she had never given them something worth fighting for. It was at that moment she realised that it should not surprise her to see so many people bashing her. Because till that day they did not have anything concrete to tarnish her with or to support her with.

"I'm sorry," she did not know what else to say. She had been a complete disappointment to all those around her.

Sighing he said, "I don't want your sorry. If you're really sorry, prove it." With that, he left her standing alone in the balcony.

As she looked up to the effulgence of the night reflected by the moon and stars, she decided. It will be difficult to change out of old habits, but this vacation she was going to change herself to become who she desired to be, who she was.