Drown. // c.t.h.

Siete / Seven

Drown VII

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"choked on the words I never said and drowned in the thoughts I never shared,"

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Calum pulls away from the hug with his hands lingering on my shoulders giving them one last squeeze before telling me goodbye and that he'll see me bright and early for school tomorrow.

I mindlessly wave goodbye as well and get into my car. I watch him enter his house and I know I should probably get going but I can't find myself wiling to move. My mind is racing. Thoughts are being created and destroyed due to my current state of shock and confusion, but lately I've been finding myself confused a lot.

He called me Darling. And he brushed the hair back from my eyes. And he hugged me. And when he pulled me in his arms for the second time today I didn't pull away. I hugged him back. So hard.

I don't remember the last time I hugged someone or let someone hug me and I'm shocked to say I kinda missed it. Being embraced. Being appreciated, noticed. It's a good feeling and it almost brings me to the brink of tears of how easy I let this happen.

Stupid. I'm so stupid, I should have never let it happen. And although I kinda missed being hugged I don't exactly miss the heartbreak and disappointment that also comes along with being hugged.

I need to stop this now before I get hurt again. It took months to get where I am right now; a few friends, decent grades, and not completely broken anymore. But just because I'm not torn apart doesn't mean that there's no fraying at the edges of the stitching or glue disintegrating at the middle of the cracks.

I thought maybe if I shut myself down and put my feelings in a jar and on a top shelf in the back of my crippled chest that everything would be okay. And for a while this worked well. I didn't get my feelings or my pride hurt anymore and during this time of isolation is when I started my healing process. The cracks got glued together by every drag of the cigarette I took and every cut got stitched together by every word I wrote down. It worked.

But before every rehabilitation is a disaster, and before all the broken pieces got put back together they were destroyed even more.

But I just shake my head and turn on my engine and drive the ten minutes to my house. By the time I get there it's 8:30 and I still have homework. But I can do that later, I mean I don't have any plans of falling asleep.

I shut my car and lock it, heading inside. I'm exhausted; it's been an eventful day and I'm drained. Physically mostly. I wish I could be drained emotionally because that would mean I would be feeling something, opposed to my per usual nothing. Nothing except the aching in my chest and the breaking of my ribs.

As I walk in the house, my mom asks me where I've been and if I want dinner, but I hardly register her asking me anything and I can't really remember what she asked me so I shrug my shoulders and mutter something incoherent.

When I get to my room, I close and lock the door, stripping out of my jeans and putting on a pair of black leggings instead. I keep my long sleeve shirt on and bring the sleeves over my hands. I grab my quote book and a pen before sitting cross legged on my bed against the wall.

As soon as I open the book, the familiar coffee stained, folded note falls out and I put it back in the front cover before I start crying again. I skim through the first written half of the book until I find a blank space.

I put pen to paper and suddenly all my thoughts and confused feelings just come out and before I know it I have several different paragraphs and phrases done already. I stop after my 6th one and read it over:

He said he was scared of commitment but,

He had tattoos all over his skin and

I guess he didn't see me as a work

of art or maybe he didn't think

I was worth the pain.

Then a couple pages in my book turned and now I'm looking at an entry from over 7 months ago. Around the time josh left.

THEY SAID DON'T DO DRUGS DON'T DO

DRUGS DON'T DO DRUGS AND OH GOD I

WISH I HAD LISTENED BECAUSE I INHALED

YOU FOR SIX STRAIGHT MONTHS AND I CAN

STILL FEEL THE BURN IN MY LUNGS WITH

EVERY BREATH I TAKE AND I'VE TRIED EVERY-

THING TO GET YOU OUT OF MY VEINS BUT

NOTHING CAN GET RID OF THE STING FROM

A DEADLY POISON LIKE YOU.

Re-reading this makes me cringe a little and I'm so tempted to just cross it out, maybe even rip the page out. But I can't help but think about how I was feeling at the time: alone, confused, angry, sad, emotional. And I also can't help but wish I could feel any of those things. Because again, that would be feeling something, even if that something is hurt and sadness and pain.

I try and direct my thoughts away from all the negative vibes, mostly josh because he is no longer a part of my life. He was out of it the second his car went over the curb of my driveway, off and never heard from again.

I shake my head and it's difficult to change my train of thought. Why is everything so difficult for me? I can't seem to do anything easily. Life shouldn't be this hard. I should be living, not surviving. I shouldn't have to hold myself together so I don't fall apart. I shouldn't have to put a blade to my skin to feel something. I shouldn't have to dread going to school every day because of my stupid anxiety and the people who make fun of me. I shouldn't have to go to an abandoned parking lot at 3am and smoke cigarettes because I can't sleep.

Something clicks and suddenly I'm not thinking of everything that's difficult for me, I'm thinking of everything that comes easy to me. Like writing poetry or painting and drawing or listening to music. Dying my hair. Talking to people about the music I love. And as I think about whom I talk to I think of Calum, and suddenly he's the ultimate distraction from all the nothingness.

But it's not like I'm attracted to him at all. I don't get attracted to anyone. Not anymore at least. I'm just intrigued, honestly. How could someone I literally just met today, be so different than anyone I've ever met? I can feel it, and it's not a false hope feeling. I can truly sense that he's genuine and that really scares me.

I look at the time on my phone and see it's 2:22am. I put my book away in the bedside table along with the pen. I lie down against the pillow, waiting for 3am to some along so I can sneak out and go the all too familiar parking lot to smoke a few.

As I lay there, the same thing keeps repeating itself throughout my mind. Over and over and over again and I just can't fathom any words or different thoughts to make it go away. But it won't and maybe I don't want it to go away just yet; maybe I want to hear it again.

He called me darling He called me darling He called me darling He called me darling.

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A/N

Hi hello how are you today beautiful you look great that color looks fabulous on you your fab ok

So I updated yES and I have news

IM STARTING A NEW FANFIC CALLED SEDUCTIVE AND IT'S A MICHAEL ONE AND I'm REALLY EXCITED FOR IT OK THE PROLOGUE AND COVER AND POSSIBLY CHAPTER ONE WILL BE UP SOON YAY

AND ALSO s/o to @ my bff Kristen bc idk why not and she kinda helped me realize I wanna write both of these stories and shes so so so so supportive and I love her yAy

Ok that's all the new I got babes

Comment, Vote, Share if you like my story pretty pleaseee xx

Lizzy Xox