Roman Holiday

The Boondocks Saints Theme- er... The Blood of Cú Chulainn

Deep beneath the senate in New Rome, under the dungeons and the Starbucks beneath them, but above the senate orgy room, lay the Praetorian Archives. Only a few knew of their existence and even fewer had access to them. Only praetors, senior senators, those who received a special permit, or anyone who asked the guard really, really nice (Thanks Frank) were allowed entrance to the sacred trove of restricted knowledge.

Inside one would find scrolls dating back to the 100 B.C. that detailed the history of the Roman Empire and the subsequent movements of what would one day be known as New Rome. Reyna and Jason had spent a considerable amount of time down there before his abduction... studying. Well, they were studying each other, so it was the truth in one aspect. Jason could best be described as an eager student while Reyna considered herself to be a strict teacher who liked to discipline her student by making him lick the alphabet- Ah, we're getting off topic...

Anyway, there was one scroll that intrigued the young praetor, a scroll that was started by a young general by the name of Julius Caesar. The tale started in 55 B.C., when the general took two legions to the British Isles in hopes of expanding Rome's glory, as was the way back then. Now the history books would have you believe on that first invasion was nothing more than a reconnaissance mission to gather intel for a larger invasion. Reyna would tell you that was a load of bullshit.

The young Caesar wrote of ferocious barbarians and savage creatures that decimated his legions and forced the survivors to flee across the sea for their lives. Tiny little men of twig, leaf, and stone that could move the dark forests to disorientate the legions. Giant black cats that would pick off the men one-by-one in dark of the night and disappear into thin air. Maidens that lured men away from their camps to the rivers where they would kiss and fill their lungs with water. Glowing orbs of light that ignited their encampments and were confused for signal fires, causing mass confusion and chaos in their wake. And a hastily written note that said: beware the fair folk.

No, Caesar's first invasion was a spectacular failure that was covered up by the Roman senate, and many of the senators were content to let the islands be. So, of course the gods ordered them to try again the following year. The next time Caesar took five legions, two-thousand cavalry, had special ships constructed for beach landings, and took every strong demigod he could get his hands on. The second invasion established a firm foothold on the British Isles, with Caesar installing kings and chieftains that supported Roman interests, but it was only a tiny portion of the wild country. Far less than what the gods had hoped for.

For the next few centuries, Roman emperors sent expedition after expedition into the wilds of Britain, slowly eliminating the feral gods that called the land home. The chopped and burnt down the forests en masse, built walls to keep the wild out, and slaughtered whole villages that worshipped the enemies of Rome. It was perhaps the longest and bloodiest campaign in Roman history. Especially because it never truly ended.

For even when Olympus moved to the isles after Rome fell, the skirmishes continued. The power of the wild gods may have diminished over time, but they still lurked in the shadows. There were reports of demigods encountering creatures not of Greece or Rome while on quests that they were woefully ill prepared to face. The northern country had been marked as off limits to those not seeking a painful death. Stepping foot in Ireland was considered suicide with the demigod children and legacies of the wild gods forever rebelling against Roman rule.

And if I hadn't been mind-controlled by Piper, I could have told them all of this!

But Reyna had to deal with that now, and all that seemed to pretty insignificant to her compared to what was happening at the moment.