LDN

Posh bitch

I hadn't spoken to Angel since that morning despite her living only a few floors below me. So I was surprised to see her at my front door with an eccentric scarf tied around her head and a mug filled with steaming coffee gripped firmly in her hands. Even though it was about 3 in the afternoon her eyes were heavy with sleep. I stepped aside and let her in leading her to my room watching as she studied it and I could almost see the thoughts spinning around and taking form inside of her head.

I adored the rose gold bed frame that mum had picked out for me and decided it would be the basis of my rooms decor. We painted all of the walls with a gentle nude pink and the back wall with a solid white base. We then created a polka- dot effect on the back wall with circles of copper contact paper that mirrored the warm and neutral colour of the bed. I loved it - quirky and daring very unlike myself. Mum allowed me to explore my creativity with the room as she had quite an extensive budget. Her job meant that we could live more than comfortably over the years but she hated it and doing something you hate day in day out can be soul destroying.  Sometimes I would have to force her out of bed when for most people it was the other way around. Her dreams of being a solicitor disintegrated after she had me and she became a realtor. It was hard knowing that I was the person that got in the way of her dreams, she had settled and had been settling for almost 17 years.

" In here looks too cute you guys move fast boy, not gonna lie I'm still living that sofa bed life "

I looked up at Angel forgetting that she was in the room. When my deep thoughts come to the forefront of my mind it can be like that, I lose awareness and get lost inside of myself. I smiled and thanked her.

" Nawally I couldn't find the exact shelves that you wanted but these are pretty ... oh hi"

My mum stood at the door frame strands of her blonde hair falling in front of her face, she smiled at us apologetically causing the strokes of pink paint on her face to wrinkle. I introduced the two, Angel commented on mums handy work and mum commented on her smile. The air was thick with pleasantries and compliments.

Mum eventually left us to it and Angel swallowed all of her remaining coffee in one big swig before she spoke again. She smacked her lips together and asked if it was ok if she set her mug down.

"So I'm having a little thing tonight I thought you might wanna meet more people, it's gonna be calm vibes and it's only downstairs so yeah "

"What like a party?"

  If there was one thing about myself I enjoyed it was my ability to think before speaking. I take pleasure in and prefer observing the world to actually taking part in it.  My calm disposition refused to reveal the worry I felt inside. But in that moment my mind and my speech were at odds. I had seen countless videos and pictures on twitter and instagram before and after 'the night got messy'. I didn't look like the girls in those pictures and I couldn't dance like them either. I wouldn't be the person in the middle of a massive circle screaming out the lyrics to the latest hits. I could practically feel the intense heat and the vibrations of the music. Would I even be able to fit in with the people that stand in the corner.

"No nothing like that. it's just gonna be a few of my main ones, they're cool people," Angel smiled reassuringly and I felt slightly relieved, I wanted to fit in I wanted London to feel like home and this was a way of making that happen. I jumped the gun so it wasn't a party just a small gathering, what could really go wrong?

I got ready a few hours later. I wet my hair and looked closely at the small beads of water that ran down the coiled strands. It was 9 but the sun still shone, it's delicate rays hit the mirror and reflected onto my bare face, every pore every blemish illuminated. I wore a black hoodie and a pair of mom jeans that hung low around my waist. Looking at my reflecton I couldn't help but feel underwhelmed.  At home I was like a rare jewel there wasn't anyone like me, my brown skin and white family was a rare contrast. But here I felt as though my appearance sunk into mediocrity. Why was I so nervous. Maybe because I had seen Angel's friends bfore. They were this untouchable collection of people who seemed to be oblivious to their aesthetics. What was wrong with me? At home I had an air of superiority, I knew that I didn't fit in and I was glad. But here I felt insignificant, was everyone as different as I felt, or did my insecurities taint my perception? I shook off the feeling of insignificance because I didn't come all this way to feel like this, I was going to settle in and enjoy it here.