LDN

Never gentle

* I would just like to say thank you for all the support I have gotten for this story so far. It puts a genuine smile on my face x

It was now 5am and I still couldn't sleep, it had gotten to a point where I was frustrated with myself, why couldn't I just close my eyes. I didn't know whether it was because of the alcohol in my system or because of James, it was probably a sour mixture of them both. No one had ever spoken to me in the way that he had, in my life. I was well acquainted with passive aggression, hard stares and childish whispers, but never such a direct and open display of resentment. But I had to take some of the blame, I got too comfortable. They way their energy bounced off of one another, the smiles on their faces, the sheer joy they had gotten from just being around each other. I wanted to be a part of that, and when James spoke to me I didn't want to be seen as this weak girl. Chinasa, Angel and even Jade had something about them, one look at them and you knew that you couldn't walk all over them. I wanted that for myself. For once I stopped observing, I let go and let impulse take over, and look where it got me. I wasn't even able to come up with a valid excuse that explained my sudden departure, I eventually just gave up and simply walked out the door. I doubted they even noticed that I had gone.

It was as if James was still standing over me, I still felt slightly on edge. I threw the bed covers back and went out onto the balcony taking a blanket and a book with me. The sight of the city was calming to me, it always had been even before we moved. People thought my home town was beautiful with its winding lakes and the never ending private gardens but all it took was a google image of the London skyline to put a smile on my face; Fairy lights were now wrapped around the balconies metal bars like serpents, the dark of the night hid the wires so they shone in front of me like stars. If I missed anything about home it was the stars. Scary things hid in the dark but stars had a way of making the black abyss seem beautiful. I looked out at the jungle of flats and smiled, London had its own collection of stars and they were everywhere. Beacons of light escaped from bedroom windows and traffic lights, all different colours some warm and yellow and others a blinding white. I opened the first page of my book and let everything go, I wasn't Nawal anymore, I didn't have any problems, I was merely a spectator allowing the course of the story to take me wherever.

.

...

" Nawal, baby come on get up"

I fought to open my heavy eyelids and tried to wade through the fogginess of my own mind. A blurry image of my mother hovered over me and I instantly shielded my eyes before any details were able to come into focus. The hot morning sun's rays hit me and my skin burned intensely, I made a mental note telling myself to never fall asleep in this position again. What had been comforting during the night became torture in the morning.

" I really wonder about you sometimes, honestly a dreamer just like your fath ... I'm running late for work come on get inside"

My mum held onto my arm and her voice became an extreme annoyance as she pulled me into my bedroom. Her blonde hair pulled into a formidable bun and her fitted suit were the last things I saw before I collapsed onto my bed and allowed it to swallow me whole.

I came back to life at around 3 in the evening feeling somewhat refreshed, a lot better in comparison to the rude awakening I received from my mother at 7am. It was her first day in the new realtor's and I felt a twinge of guilt, I didn't even get to wish her luck. I turned on the radio, TLC- What about your friends flowed out of the old machine and I couldn't help but sing along. There was something about 90s music that drowned you in feelings of nostalgia, making you miss a time that you hadn't even experienced. Strips of Bacon sizzled in the frying pan and I watched them transition from a pale pink to a golden brown drooling in anticipation. I noticed that a post it note was stuck on one of the cupboard doors letting me know that there was money in the living room to get some new clothes, something I had been putting off for the past few days. I wasn't the type of girl whose eyes lit up and the thought of shopping. Most people see clothing as a form of self expression but my wardrobe was definitely of a practical nature. James' words from the night before left me feeling insecure 'shit accent ,dead body', maybe switching things up wouldnt be such a bad idea.