Cinders [Completed]

Chapter 41: What (Really) Happened to Cordelia Dixon

"It was different, when we met," my mother begins.

"We were both so young. I fell in love with him before I knew him. But I - I was happy. He was a good man. He used to garden and - and he would sing these songs, songs from childhood that I could barely remember. He was a good man.

"And we had you, Lee, and you were beautiful. I didn't think I could love him more until I saw him holding you in his arms. You reminded me of him in so many ways, even when you were a baby. I had hoped that you would be like him when you grew up. I had so many dreams.

"It's hard to say when things started changing. The first time I could tell that something was wrong was when he came home, one day, and he wouldn't tell me what he was thinking but I could tell his mind was somewhere strange. He was like that, for weeks, before he said he had to teach me.

"That's how he said it, 'teach.' But he taught me things that I thought were wrong, and it made us fight. He talked about the Knights, and the Order, and everything was just barely not correct. It slipped, and it slipped, and goddess, Lee, I was so tired of fighting. I didn't want to fight any more. He would get so angry. And it seemed like there was something I could do, and it would make him happy, and I - I wanted him to be happy. So he changed some things, in the house, and with you and Jonah, and I thought, that's okay. That's okay, I can sacrifice that for him.

"And then Lucy was born," my mother sobs, "and I was angry with him, because I realized - I realized that I didn't want to raise a child in this house. I didn't want Lucy to grow up like this. I hadn't noticed the changes all at once, but then I was looking at little Lucy and - the house felt like a graveyard.

"The last time I stood up to your father, he - he hurt her. And he was going to hurt you and Jonah. It scared me, it scared me, but how could I run away? How could I run away from my mate? We're - the goddess meant for us to be together. It would be evil, to leave him. And I love him I love him, didn't I love him?

"A few months later, he said he decided on my punishment, for all my years of sin. He told me what he was going to do, so I expected it. I told myself I wouldn't scream. I didn't want to scare you. So the cinders came and I held them until I couldn't feel them anymore. And I was quiet.

"But I kept the scream inside so long that it died. That I died. Then, I don't know. It's been - 12 years. 12 years. I don't know where they went. They're just - gone.

"I contacted the Order," she says, "and they helped your father escape. I thought I would go with them."

She stops. I trace her profile with my eyes, suddenly seeing much more of myself in her than I thought there was.

"Why didn't you, Mom?" I finally ask.

"He told me," she whispers in a broken accent, "He told me I would be respected for my loyalty. He told me that I was perfect. That after all this time, I was finally perfect. And then I woke up. I could suddenly remember the cinders and how much they burned."

Mom takes a deep, shaking breath. She holds her hands tightly, as if she can feel it again. "So, I ran to the guards and they sounded the alarm. But Jonathan - " my mother shudders at his name - "he's with them, now. I was too late. Too late."

"The Order wanted Elia," I say. It's not a question. Mom nods.

"At the Ball, they would have told Elia about it. They wanted her to accept. It was a good time to introduce her to the uppers that were in on it."