Falling

T W E N T Y - F I V E

As I lay on my bed, staring up at my white ceiling I think back to the last couple of days.

I should be getting my things unpacked from the trip so that I can get to sleep at a reasonable hour, considering I do have school tomorrow. But I can't help my thoughts that keep drifting back to the weekend at the lake.

I replay my moments with Will over and over until my tummy is feeling overwhelmed with anxiety.

I sigh, the sound breaking the silence in my room, and place my arm over my eyes while shaking my head slightly wondering how I got myself into this situation.

I am not ready for a boyfriend. I'm not ready to give myself to someone.

What if he decides that he doesn't like me somewhere along the way but it's already too late because I've fallen for him too deeply?

Then what?

After that day in the garage with Will, I tried to keep a little bit of a distance.

It wasn't hard since I was surrounded by family and friends. And nobody was even able to pick up on this slight change. To everyone else, it just looked like I was treating him how I treat all of my friends. There's nothing wrong with that, right?

I mean, he is my friend.

We're friends.

Good friends.

And he didn't seem very bothered by it, the way I was treating him.

He pretty much treated me the same way he usually does but there was definitely something different. A different vibe.

Like he understood my emotional distance to him but he accepted it and understood it but didn't shut me out because of it.

I don't even know if this is making sense.

I don't even know if it makes sense to me.

Yet, another sigh escapes past my lips and I swing my legs off of the bed to stand.

I almost feel like I need to say something to him, apologize for letting things get out of hand in the garage.

I turn on the shower and wait for the steam to fill my bathroom as I undress.

But apologize for what? I don't regret it. He made it clear that he doesn't regret it.

I'm sorry that I let my hormones get the best of me and for allowing you to kiss all over me when this isn't what I want.

I should apologize for kinda leading him on.

I'm really, really into you but I am just too much of a baby to let this go any further because I fear that you will break my heart. No offense.

How did I even let this happen? I don't do boyfriends but I also don't do random make outs so I have no idea where all of that garage business came from.

Oh my gosh.

What if he thinks I'm the kind of girl that just makes out with people all the time? Maybe that's why he wasn't upset the next day when I basically turned off my feelings for him. What if he thinks this is just a 'friends with benefits' type of friendship?

The hot, steamy water runs down my body when I step into the shower. The constant stream of water hitting me unwinds my tight muscles and helps me to relax while the yummy scent of my mint and eucalyptus shampoo puts my racing thoughts at ease as I massage it into my scalp, the shampoo having a cooling effect on my skin.