If I could have wings to fly

Ch. 19 Letting Go

Trigger warning: mention of suicide.  

Also, small Tharntype appearance because I don't know any Thai names lol. 

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Pha was already sitting cross-legged on the cliffs by the time Tine got there.  He was wearing a blue button-down shirt and khaki shorts.  Tine climbed over the No Entry sign and squatted down next to him, sighing softly.

They stared at the soft blue sky, not sure where to start. So much had changed since the last time they had spoken to each other.

"His name was Tar".  Pha finally broke the silence.

"What?" 

"Our friend, who jumped".  Pha pointed to the edge of the cliffs right in front of him. "You wouldn't believe it, but Sarawat and I used to be friends with this kid named Tar. We grew up together.  We spent all our summers here, running around the ocean, climbing over the cliffs". His eyes had a melancholy daze.

So that's what Wat meant when he said the three of them used to play here. It was all starting to make sense.

"Tar was always different. I knew that. He was a small and sensitive kid. He told us he was gay at one point, and the three of us kept it a secret. Then in high school he started talking about how he wanted to come out, how he didn't want to hide anymore. I didn't think much at the time - I just thought why not, if that was going to make him happy".

Pha scoffed and shook his head.

"It was a disaster. His family kicked him out of the house. Me and Sarawat scrambled to find places for him to stay. The kids at school beat him up every single day.  Even my parents, who knew him for years, wanted nothing to do with him anymore. There were death threats. Finally, he dropped out.

His mom begged him to go to some camp that's supposed to change you. Eventually he broke down and agreed. He seemed fine after that, relatively speaking. But the morning before he had to go...he jumped".

Pha sighed and squinted into the engulfing waves right beneath them. "I think about him all the time. About how scared he must have been that morning. About how dark and lonely it must have been under the water. Whether he had second thoughts. Whether he suffered. But also about everything he could've been. All the people who would have loved him, the life he could have had, how much he could have grown - if only I had stopped him..."

Tine just stared at him, speechless, trying to make sense of it all.

"Yo...he reminded you of Tar, didn't he?" Tine finally asked. "That's why you chased him".

"Yeah" Pha admitted. "And this time, I need to make it right. I saw a bit of Tar in you, too. When you were a first year. Always eating alone, keeping to yourself".

So that's why he took me in, and partly why he's being strict with Yo. 

"P'Pha, when you care, you tend to control people too much...so much that you end up cutting off their wings" Tine said softly.

"I know. Yo keeps yelling at me for it" Pha smiled to himself. "He's real baby, though. He can't do anything right".

"That's why you have to give him space to learn. To make mistakes, to grow. To have a voice". Tine was talking about Yo, but he was also talking about himself.

"Yeah, I guess you're right" Pha threw some pebbles over the cliff. "He's just so damn naive. At least if I account for everything, I can make sure he's happy and safe."

Tine smiled to himself. "You can't decide what happiness is for other people P'Pha. Even if you think you're always right".

Pha sighed. "I know, but that's what I let Tar do.  He was filled with all these hopes and dreams about the world. I knew that, but I just sat back and let him throw himself into the fire. I can't ever let that happen again". 

"But Sarawat" Pha continued, his eyes full of anger and resentment. "I just can't understand him. He lives so recklessly. So selfishly.  Does he think he's important enough to possibly ruin your relationship with your family? What happens when they want you to get married, or start a family? Or does he expect you to leave them for him?  We all have so many responsibilities, Tine. I thought my parents didn't care about people's sexuality, but I was so wrong. They'll never accept it. The world can be cruel.  And Sarawat, out of everyone, should know that. Tar's death should have warned him". 

"You're wrong P. Wat isn't reckless". Tine blurted out. Pha raised his eyebrows. Tine gulped nervously, but kept going. "The first time Wat took me to the cliffs, he told me that if you live your whole life for everyone else, you wouldn't have lived at all. Wat chose to live bravely and honestly to honor Tar...and I think that may be what Tar would have wanted".

"I don't know, Tine..." Pha just sighed, squinting at him worriedly. "Just don't lose yourself, ok? Don't get trapped in all of this. There's a way out. You can always call me. No matter how many people turn their back on you, you can rely on me.  It can be years from now. I'll help you".

"P'Pha...I can't believe I'm saying this - but I think you may be the one who's lost, who's trapped, P. You lost yourself to everyone else in the world and now you can't tangle yourself away from them".

They just stared at each other, both shocked at what Tine had said.

"P, just listen to me please". It was probably the first time that Tine was lecturing Pha. "I know you've been the model son, the model student your whole life. I know that it seems impossible and crazy to cut off that safety net. I was terrified of it. But when everything was swept away from my feet, I could finally breathe. I thought I was breathing fine all those years, but I was suffocating. I just convinced myself to be happy with it. But I wasn't happy at all".

"I always wanted the best for you, Tine" Pha looked at him regretfully.

"I know". Tine said gently. "Tar wasn't your fault, P. You couldn't have fixed it".

Pha just started crying, softly.

Tine got up to leave. "As for Yo -  give him that keychain, and tell him how you feel.  I think - that he'll be happy".

And to that, he left Pha to sit by himself on the cliffs.

A/N: I want to do a Q&A after I finish the story. You can ask me anything at all: the story, the characters, why I did things a certain way, me, etc. Send me questions in the comments or message me! If there are no qs I'll just talk about things I always wanted to share with you guys :)