If I could have wings to fly

Thoughts & Drabbles (NOT A CHAPTER / SPOILERS WARNING)

***WARNING***

THIS IS NOT A CHAPTER.  PLEASE DO NOT READ IF YOU HAVE NOT FINISHED THE STORY!

THIS SECTION HAS MANY SPOILERS!

Hello lovelies!! These are just my thoughts that I always wanted to share with you guys. You guys are an amazing, thoughtful, incredibly kind group.  Please feel free to share anything about yourself in the comments!

***AGAIN, IF YOU HAVEN'T FINISHED PLEASE DO NOT READ YET!!!***

A little bit about me...

I was really into BL fanfiction, but sometimes I just couldn't find the stuff I wanted to read. I'm a weird person who loves angst and not the sweet/cutesy stuff. That's why I made Tine and Sarawat's communication blunt and rough, with very little of them being sweet to each other, and made the society they live in realistic. 

With COVID-19, I finally had a lot of time on my hands. I am also feeling really stuck with my living situation. It was really random. One day, I just started writing one of my ideas. I had no plot in mind. And I published it on the same day. It was wild. I had thought about doing it for so long, but when I finally did it it was so fast.

I still remember checking Wattpad every minute to see if one person would read my story. And I was ecstatic when someone did!  Then it grew so fast. I couldn't believe it. I would check Wattpad everyday, looking forward to all of your wonderful thoughts and comments.

I love creating stories because anything can happen. I can control my characters' experiences, their pain, their growth, their journeys. No matter how I happen to live my life; no matter what ends up happening to me; I know that my characters are going to live an incredible life. They're going to meet incredible people. They're going to do incredible things and go on amazing adventures. Through writing, you can set yourself free.

Tine

I relate to Tine a lot (except that I don't have anyone like Sarawat chasing me...cry). We both study law and have a lot responsibilities. And I think many of us are somewhat like Tine. I think, though I don't know, that I'm not the only one who has felt trapped, like we can't be ourselves, who longs for something deeper, who doesn't tell anyone that we liked someone of the same gender.

The story is about Tine's transformation. At first I wanted it to be much more angsty with Tine's dilemma, but the story came out much lighter. I haven't gotten to the point of growing as much as Tine does, but I hope that one day I'll be brave like him.

Q: What's up with Pha and Sarawat?

So first, I didn't realize how much people hated him until I started reading all your comments. Hopefully the latter chapters helped clarify Pha's character.

In my mind, Pha never had bad intentions. He grew up in a very homophobic household. As an only child of successful parents, he was always saddled with responsibilities and expectations about his future.

After Tar, Pha and Sarawat's approach to life split. Tar's death convinces Sarawat that he needs to live life for himself and free himself during life, instead of waiting for death. To Pha, this is reckless and selfish - he thinks Sarawat will only bring other people misery. He's ridden with guilt that he let such a vulnerable, innocent guy be exposed to the harsh realities of the world.

He's determined to protect his friends within the boundaries of "normal" life; by giving them status, by making sure they have the right connections, helping them get good jobs, etc.

He takes Tine under his wing because Tine reminded him of that friend - alone and vulnerable. So he's enraged when Tine goes out of his way to stick his neck out and invite so called "danger" - Sarawat, when he did everything he can to make sure Tine is safe. He doesn't realize that Tine is his own person who has the right to decide what makes him happy.

Q: What's up with Tine's awful friends?

Again, sorry for the anger caused...they are typical guys who grew up in a homophobic society and never really questioned why they were homophobic. They are very mainstream and don't really strive for anything different or deep, which makes Tine feel bored when he's with them.

Q: Why didn't Tine just leave his friends?

Tine hinted this in ch. 9, but he's always been alone his whole life. Pha finally gives him a set of stable friends. Tine knows how rare that comes by, so he has a hard time giving up that sense of security.

Also, at first Sarawat was really unpredictable for Tine, disappearing from his life at times. So Tine didn't have that sense of stability with Sarawat.

Finally, Tine's figuring himself out in this whole story. He doesn't realize his friends are a bad match for him because he doesn't truly realize the extent of his feelings for another man at first.

Q: What was the hardest part to write?

Definitely the smut scenes. Also, all the stuff that happened in the middle. I had already written the ending after a couple chapters, but the problem was how to get there! At first I had a lot more drama with Mil and Pear. I was going to make Pear like Sarawat, but I figured that was too much side drama that no one likes.

Q: Is there symbolism in the story?

It may have been obvious, but wings and flying were associated with freedom and autonomy. Pha breaks the wings of Yo's keychain, and after is very controlling with Yo. Tine suggests that Pha gives Yo the new hummingbird keychain. By doing so, he essentially agrees to give him back his freedom and autonomy.

Tine always wishes he had wings to fly away, but by the end of the story he gives himself those wings and breaks himself free.

Finally....

I encourage everyone who has ideas to write. You don't have to be a good writer. No one ever told me I was a good writer in my life, and I struggled in all my writing classes.  It doesn't have to be a full story, as that takes a lot of time. It can just be a chapter. It doesn't even have to start from the beginning. But there's something really satisfying about making the story go exactly how you want it to. So if you have an idea that you're dying to read but just can't find the right story, I encourage you to write it!! And I'd love to read it.

Finally, what BL pairing would you like to see next? Let me know in the comments below :)