Sanders Sides One-shots

Fear of change - Virgil angst

Tw: Self-harm, mentions of transphobia.

I usually don't write about self-harm, last time I wrote Roman angst a mention of suicide was like, TOO  much for me, but I mean, I wrote this, so why not share it?

This is literally just a vent.

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Virgil had recently moved to another state, his new house was pretty and he had a lot of fun decorating his new room and talking walks around the neighborhood when he needed to calm down, it was a really pretty neighborhood, but that didn't change the fact that he had left his friends behind, he missed Logan, Roman, and Patton, he even missed Remus and Janus, as strange at that may sound, he did miss them a lot. His friends always made him feel calm, they were always there to calm him down, even after he had been mean to them, he didn't show it, but he did appreciate it a lot, he didn't deserve being treated nicely, not after the countless time he had lashed out at them for a small little stupid thing or the countless time he had yelled at them for trying to help him.

His new school wasn't as bad as he expected, having to correct his teachers when they used his deadname and having the other kids in the room immediately turn to look at him, some even going as far as to stare at his chest, he was so lucky to have a supportive mother who bought him a binder, all of that wasn't as bad as he expected, everyone seemed to be a bit surprised and confused at first but they did use his correct pronouns and name, that's more than he expected. he hadn't made friends with anyone at school, but he was fine with that, as long as the people who talked to him were nice and respected him he didn't need friends, he had his friends already, friends he missed a bunch.

Not being able to talk to his friends whenever he needed to meant he would have to keep his thoughts and emotions to himself, usually, when he needed to vent about his dysphoria, suicidal thoughts or anything else he would go to Roman and Patton, it was usually Roman though, Roman had a more calm approach to things such as suicidal thoughts, Patton, on the other hand, didn't, he would shower Virgil with love, and frankly, that was too much for Virgil sometimes, he had to admit he appreciated Patton being concerned, but sometimes you just need someone to laugh at your suicidal jokes, say "same" and move on.

This particular night Virgil's thoughts got a little out of hand, he made an awful decision, a terrible decision he hadn't made in years, he felt so many emotions, hurt, anger, confusion, and fear, mostly fear, fear of change, fear of being forgotten by who he considered his 'best friend group', he needed to get the emotions out one way or another, in a moment of pure desperation he grabbed one of his pencil sharpeners from his pencil case and used the blade to cut his arm, as he felt the warm blood drip through his arm he realized what he had done, he cursed himself under his breath, he had promised himself he wouldn't continue doing this, he promised Patton to stop, he didn't want to do this to himself, but damn, the pain felt amazing, but doing this to isn't ok, and he knew that...

A few years ago Patton had found out what Virgil was doing to himself, and of course, Patton being Patton was extremely concerned, Virgil had asked him to keep it a secret, he didn't want Roman, Logan, Janus or Remus knowing what he was doing to himself, he didn't want them to think of him as someone who's messed up or someone who needs help, so after a year and a half Virgil stopped hurting himself, he'd still get the urge to do it from time to time, but he understood that by hurting himself he was hurting others who cared about him, he was hurting Patton, Roman, Logan, Janus, and Remus. After a few days the cuts started healing, his cuts would always heal fast, he didn't really take care of them, at least this time he didn't cut too deep.

Virgil's phone rang, it was Roman, he excitedly picked up the phone

"Whattup?" He said trying to sound cool

"Hi, Virge! How are you doing?" Roman asked

"Oh, pretty good!" Virgil stared at his arm knowing that was a complete lie, he took a deep breath and continued "So, how are you?"

"I'm doing ok, I really missed you though, we all do..."

"You miss me? Aw that's kinda gay" He joked

"Oh, shut up, emo nightmare!" Roman chuckled

"So, how's everyone else doing?"

"Pretty good, Patton and Janus are dating and my brother definitely has a thing for the Microsoft nerd"

"Patton and Janus are what now?!" Virgil exclaimed

"Dating, yeah, took me by surprise too"

"When did this happen?"

"Like... Two days ago?" Roman replied with uncertainty in his voice

"And none of you called me or texted me?!" Virgil asked clearly annoyed by this

"Sorry, kinda forgot to..." he apologized "Anyway... You doin' ok?"

"...Yeah, you already asked, Roman"

"I know but I mean, are you really ok?"

"Yes, yes, I am"

"Look, Imma be honest, I may or may not have your Tumblr URL and saw you post some pretty depressing stuff on there, so, are you ok?"

Virgil wasn't surprised by this, he expected Roman to try and figure out his Tumblr URL, he just didn't expect him to find it nor care about what he posted there, he sighed "I'm honestly not ok..."

"You want to talk about it?"

"Not really, but I feel like I should anyway" he took a deep breath and firmly grabbed the phone "I used to cut myself" he let out

"I know, Virgil..." Roman replied

"You knew?"

"You are my friend, of course, I noticed, but, that doesn't answer my question"

"To answer your question, no, I'm not ok" he sighed "I did it again, and I know it was wrong, but I just miss you guys so much, and everything has been changing so fast, I didn't know how to cope with it, I am so sorry..."

"Virgil, it's ok, you don't need to apologize, I just want you to know that maybe I can't be next to you right now and hug you, but I'm always here to listen..."

"Thank you, Roman..."

"No prob, bob! Anyway, I have to go, but, what do you say about a video call today and maybe playing Minecraft if you are up to it...?"

"Sounds great!"

"Great! I'll talk to you when I get home! Bye! Love you!"

"Bye, love you too!" Virgil smiled, he was so excited to talk to Roman later, maybe not everything is so bad after all...