When You Hurt

Enough

"Yukine! Yukine!"
Yukine heard Yato before he saw him, crying out for him in a hoarse, strained voice. Yukine dragged his feet in the direction of his master's voice. Knowing Yato was coming after him brought the painful, terrifying reminder of why he was.
Yukine choked on his breath, resting his hand against the building next to him to steady himself. He let his knees buckle, falling to the pavement with a sob. What was he going to tell Yato?

:::::::::::::::

     "Yukine... Please talk to me," Yato pleaded when he finally reached Yukine. He slid down the wall to sit next to the boy, who's eyes were bloodshot from lack of sleep and swollen around the rims from his tears.
     "I don't know why I can't, Yato," Yukine said, sniffling. He pulled his jacket tighter around him and stared at the ground.
     "You can, though. For real. I promise I will not judge you, I won't think of you any differently. You're my shinki. Nothing will change that." He heard Yukine sigh, but do nothing more. "Okay, let's start small, then. Why aren't you getting any sleep?"
     "I can't. I can't go back to sleep." Yukine took a shuddering breath. "What if I go back to that place? I don't know what I'll do. That-" his breath hitched, "-That box."
     "Box?" But Yato knew. Memories from when he took Yukine on as his shinki flooded his mind. He knew exactly what this box was.
     "And his voice," Yukine whimpered, his eyes widened with terror as he looked back up, staring into oblivion. "I never thought I would be so afraid when that awful voice stopped. I was alone, and no one would help me, and- and-" Yukine hiccuped, succumbing to his tears, and started to sob softly.
     Yato put his arm around Yukine, cradling the boy to his side. This time, Yukine didn't pull away. He tucked himself into Yato's chest, crying still. "I thought- I thought I was going to die." The words sank in and he let out another sob. "I did die, Yato!"
     Yato nudged the boy completely onto his lap and held him as he trembled. "Yeah. You died." He felt tears spring to his own eyes. "I saw what had happened to you, when I made you my shinki. It was awful, Yukine, the death you suffered. The life you suffered. I'm sure you don't remember all that, do you? And it's necessary that you don't know. Shinki aren't supposed to remember their previous lives for this reason. It'll eat away at you, kill you. They should never go through that kind of trauma, both for their god's sake, and their own." He squeezed Yukine to him tighter. "But you're my blessed vessel, Yukine. We're closer than we ever were. Perhaps that's why you're seeing glimpses of these things. But do you know what that also means? It means that you can handle it. You just need to trust that you're where you need to be now. You're with me. It's going to hurt. It's going to hurt a lot, but you'll make it. We'll make it. And guess what?" As Yukine looked up at him with his watering eyes, Yato's tears spilled over. "You're not only my blessed regalia. You're not just my shinki. Those things or not, you're mine. Period." Yato smiled. "I love you a lot, Yukine. I don't think I ever told you that. I thought you should know. I thought you did know."
     Yukine wrapped his arms around Yato's torso and buried his head in his master's chest. "Am I hurting you? I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
     Yato put his hand to rest on Yukine's head. "Don't worry about that. I don't care about that. I'm fine. It's you I need to fuss over."
     "Yato?" Yukine looked up again, a pained grimace spread across his face. "Did my dad really kill me?"
"Yeah," Yato choked out after a moment of hesitation. "Yeah, he did. But don't worry, okay? He can't hurt you any more. I won't let anything happen to you ever again, you hear? We're each other's family now. You're my kid to take care of. You're safe. I'll keep you safe."
     Yukine continued to sob, shaking in Yato's arms. But Yato knew that he was just letting it all out now. Yukine was going to be okay. It was painful for both of them, but it was worth it, as long as Yukine recovered.
"Yukine, there is one thing I need you to understand," Yato said seriously as he continued to hold his boy. "I never intended for you to ever know this much about your life, no shinki should ever know this much, but it's happened. I'm just relieved you didn't turn into an ayakashi. So, so relieved. You're something special, Yukine. You were able to withstand such knowledge. However, you must promise me that you will be satisfied with this much, with all that you've dreamt, with what I've told you. You must not go snooping around for information of your father, or of you in your past life. If you ever found out your true name... your soul could truly never be saved again. You would remember your entire life, not just your death, and it would destroy you. I don't think even you could withstand that. You would no longer be my shinki. I couldn't bear that, certainly not with you, Yukine. Never with you.
     "You don't have to be afraid of death anymore. I will never let you die again. I will protect you. I will love you. You call my name, and I'll come running. We'll take care of each other. And you'll continue to guide me. We'll be a family. We always have been and always will be. You have to trust me, though. Do you trust me?"
     "I do," Yukine said, wiping the snot from his dripping nose.
     "Good," Yato said gently with a smile. "Now, if you have that dream again, you must tell me right away. You may have been able to withstand these thoughts somehow, but I don't want to push it. And if you ever do come close to finding out your name that way, you don't have to worry, because you'll tell me, and we'll find a way to stop it. I promise. Don't let curiosity overcome the wonderful life you have now. This can be enough. It will be enough. I know you know that, Yukine. I need you to believe it. I won't let you suffer. I won't let you go. Not ever." He held Yukine closer to him.
     Sometime within the next hour, Yukine was asleep in his arms. Yato prayed and prayed, something he had never considered before, to whichever gods may be listening. "Please don't let him have the dream again. Please, please, keep him safe. Don't let me lose him." He found tears falling down his cheeks again. The idea terrified him. He had certainly cared for his past shinki, but Yukine... Yukine was different. If he lost Yukine, that was going to be an unimaginable loneliness that would haunt him for every remaining second of his life. What had he ever done without this boy?
     He sat like that for hours, tired, but too afraid to sleep. He didn't dare stir until Yukine did, when evening was turning into night.
     He woke up surprised to find himself still held by Yato. "Um... Yato? What is... oh." His eyes darkened, but it was more of a distant, haunted look than a frightened one. Yukine was going to be okay.
     "No more dreams?" Yato pressed worriedly.
     "No more dreams," Yukine confirmed.
     "Thank the gods," Yato sighed out.
     "You're a god."
     "Ok, we can thank me, too."
Yukine laughed and playfully punched Yato in the arm. "Sure, sure."
     Yato pulled Yukine to his feet after they awkwardly untangled themselves from each other. He threw his arm around his shinki and said, "You really scared me."
     "I bet. Sorry."
     "No, it's fine. I'm just glad you're okay."
"Yato?" Yukine looked up at him, shouldering his coat.
"Hmm?"
"I... you are enough. Just thought I should let you know."
Yato smiled. "Good. I was kinda afraid you might not..." His smile wavered. "Just know this, Yukine: If I lost you, that would hurt me more that any way you could ever possibly sting me. And I'm not just talking about physical pain. Got that?"
Yukine nodded. "Yeah. I'll be careful."
     Yato hugged his shinki tightly. "Thank you, Yukine."
     "You said I gotta trust you, right?"
     "Mm-hm!"
     "Then I trust you to buy me some dinner!"
     Yato playfully shoved him. "Yukine!"
     "We haven't eaten in two days! I'm hungry!"
     "Well, I don't have any money!"
     "You lousy god! Maybe I will become Ebisu's shinki after all!" Yukine threatened with a smirk.
     "You wouldn't!"
     "See ya!"
     "Okay, okay! I'll feed you! I'll feed you!"
     The two continued on with their familiar bickering as they went, their bond strong once more, their hearts full again.