Tales of Repatriation

America 101 - The Assistants

Alexa, Siri, Google. I have been aware of the so-called "virtual assistants" for quite some time and I have ignored all of them for years. I don't want to talk to some mythical creature embodied as a voice on my phone or in my house because, quite honestly, people already think I'm a bit touched and I speak to myself far too often.

They were also entirely impractical. Beyond very basic commands, I was not living in a city with a broad range of shopping options and/or delivery services. That is truly an American/Western lifestyle. "Hey Siri, I need pickles today" would not have worked in Cairo, Nairobi, or even Singapore where I lived until the COVID Gods forced me to head home to California. I am very sure that Siri would have said, "...fascinating...now get dressed, get in a Grab (Uber), and get sorted."

However, now that I am back in the land of Silicon Valley, I thought I would venture onward into technology and give it a go. I could do with a bit of assistance as I try to rebuild my complete American-ness.

Fair warning — I am an iPhone/Mac/Apple user and I won't even get into how that happened, why it happened and why it continues to be the case. There was a desperate moment in 2018 in the Dubai Mall when I was very close to buying a Samsung whatever and switching over to the Dark Side in Androidville — but it never happened. I went and ate ice cream, instead, and it passed.

I have friends that reassured me that they used Siri to complete all manner of tasks. Send a note. Send a text. Order food. Reply to messages. So I thought I'd give it a go.

I have to say — I think that they have a version of Siri that does not exist in my phone and/or there's device bias.

I bought my iPhone, like all good expats, from the dodgy guy with a dodgy shop in town. Every expat knows the dodgy guy in the dodgy shop — this relationship is a must if you live in complicated places overseas. This particular dodgy guy had a dodgy shop in Diamond Plaza, Nairobi which houses all manner of tiny shops full of goods with semi-questionable origins. It also houses fabulous, cheap food and a brothel. The phone was brand new and in a sealed, original box but apparently made its way to Nairobi out of Karachi. And that's all perfectly normal.

However, now that I am back in America it seems that mobile carriers and software do not appreciate the device. Verizon has essentially told me that my phone is "irregular" and I cannot use one of their precious SIM cards in my overpriced iPhone XS Max whatever.

#feelingjudged

Despite the hurdles, I remain committed to joining the American technological transformation wave. I've recently started asking Siri about the weather and I even managed to get Siri to crack a joke. It felt like we were bonding.

And then Siri stopped listening.

I took a lovely road trip early in June (#traveltilithurts) and I was driving a lot. When I saw a road sign for Hwy 42 (or other such number) I asked, "Hey Siri — where does Hwy 42 go?" The ever-present vagabond in me thought that a small detour might be fun. Alas, all Siri could offer was, "okay — I'll cancel your current navigation and start a new route".

I wasn't even given a choice. Siri bulldozed himself into my rental car navigation system that was nearly paralyzed by the change and my regular route was forgotten. Siri reminds me of "those friends" in high school — you know each other but they don't really want you at their party Saturday night.

Siri is a bully. Siri has issues. We are no longer speaking.

The temporary flat that I'm staying in has a Google home device and it seems to at least be able to distinguish a question from a command. I was so inspired by the little darling in the corner of the house that I actually downloaded the Google Assistant on my iPhone only to discover that when I say, "Okay Google", I am met with silence.

There is, apparently, no love between my GAssist, iPhone and myself. The impasse and communication crisis left me Googling for answers to, "why doesn't my Google assist recognize my voice on my iPhone" for 2 hours today. (Loosely translated, "why doesn't G like me?") Turns out — Google and Apple need couples therapy. I was able to reconcile the two but I have to say, "Hey Siri", pause for reaction, and then say, "Hey Google" before GAssist starts my day. Siri is now a mule for Google.

#justmovedbackandneedalife

I do not know Alexa and I have no plans to meet her. All of my friends who have her use her to play music. That's it. "Hey, Alexa, play Bob Marley". "Hey, Alexa, turn down the volume." That doesn't sound like much of an assistant to me. My last assistant, a human being, could do a lot more than search for directions, turn on music and lower the volume.

And then there's the security question. Are they listening? YES. They hear every word. I lived a very anonymous life over the past 12 years all over the world. There were no credit rating systems. My every purchase was not monitored. I paid cash a lot. Receipts were "flexible". But now that I am back in Oz, I fight being surveilled, monitored, measured, and catalogued every minute of every day.

As a final insult, neither of my assistants apparently understands my bizarre accent which is a combination of South African, Kenyan, and UK English. They don't seem eager to be my friends. Siri tries to get me lost on a regular basis and Google seems passive aggressive because she can't (won't) reply to me.

I asked Siri where I was yesterday as I drove around Los Angeles, and he said, "I'm sorry — I can't seem to find you".

Great. My "assistant" and I are now deeply embedded in an existential crisis that only GAssist can solve — except — Google and I aren't speaking.

#sendhelp

#learningtoamerica