Tales of Repatriation

America 101 - Banks

I have no appreciation for banks.

I said it.

Banking in Cairo was easy. I used an ATM every month to withdraw from my USA account. I plucked the Egyptian Pounds out of the machine and paid rent, etc. Rent, by the way, for a 3-bedroom, 2 bathroom, brand new flat with views of the Nile and Giza Pyramids (on a clear day) was $300.00/month.

My ATM life worked well in Egypt until, one day, the ATM's weren't working and rent was due. I wandered in my neighborhood from ATM to ATM looking lost and confused and worried. My landlady was waiting for the money in her nearby apartment where she lived with her daughter. They never opened the windows – ever. They dreaded the Saharan dust and attempted a hermetically sealed lifestyle.

Anyway. As I walked around looking for an ATM to work, a man approached me asking if I needed to exchange dollars. Yes, I said to the dodgy guy stalking me. Okay, get in my car and I'll take you to someone with dollars. And, I got into the car. We went for a short drive and I met the dollar man. I negotiated a good rate and we were all happy. It seemed normal at the time but friends, later, reminded me that it was probably a bad idea to hop into the car of a stranger and end up in a back alley money exchanger's spot.

I lived to tell the tale.

My dodgy money exchanger – who was, in fact, not dodgy and became my monthly human ATM. His name was Mohammed and we always shared tea when I visited his place.

Skip to Kenya the land of miserable banks and miserable banking. In order to get an account with a Kenyan bank, you need a letter of reference. I'm not kidding. This is yet another Colonial Hangover that should end. The English system as its worst. I first opened a series of personal and business accounts with Barclays who, and I mean this sincerely, are THE WORST BANK IN EXISTENCE. I feel better. The day that I closed all accounts, I stood in their lobby and proclaimed, "IT'S OVER!" The constant series of mistakes, including tax payment errors, left no love for those people.

I currently have a bank account in Kenya – it's my offshore hide out. Kidding. I have to declare all foreign bank accounts to keep my passport and avoid prosecution. For those wondering, offshore banking IS legal – you just have to follow the rules.

At my 004.2 bank account, I can call the manager at any time, or use an application called WHATSAPP that I really wished Americans embraced, and can get answers, conduct business, etc. it's friendly and I get things done. When my American credit cards stopped working overseas (I traveled "too much"), my Kenyan credit card kept on working. I had multiple currency accounts (Dollars, Shillings, Euros) and that was all completely normal for business and personal accounts.

In America, I am offered a dollar account. That's it. I asked about a foreign currency account and was told my net worth had to be substantial in order to apply. Only the rich can afford UK sterling, you see.

If I have a problem with #!#$#!@$ Chase Bank, like the time that they made me fly from Singapore to America and walk into a branch because they thought it was unusual that I was overseas so much (this after filing an affidavit from the US Embassy/Singapore that I was, in fact, living in Singapore), there's no friendly manager to chat with on Whatsapp (get it now!) to solve.

Let me repeat. My American bank literally forced me to fly into LAX and find a Chase Bank to make them release my money. #winning

Chase Bank makes Barclays look like financial utopia. Unfortunately, I don't think that other banks will improve my experience. Moving my money to another bank won't solve the American bank obtuseness. Why are American banks so utterly paranoid? They act as if wire transfers are the Devil's work. They're not. Everyone knows that the Devil uses Bitcoin.

I have bank accounts, ATM cards and credit cards from Singapore, Kenya and America right now and my mind continues to roll currencies around in my head day-to-day. I still "think" in Singapore Dollars first before I convert to US Dollars. My mind also thinks in Kenyan shillings occasionally to keep things interesting.

In fact, one of the big indications that I'm actually settling down will be when I stop thinking in Sing Dollars (or Kenya Shillings) and just think in US dollars. When I want to buy something a bit pricey, I convert to shillings and I am usually shocked by the amount and stop the purchase. ($50.00US is about 5100KES – that's a lot of money.)

If want to feel like I'm getting a good deal, I compare the US dollar amount to the Singapore price – and the dollar wins and I feel better.

For fun, I could go back in time and convert Zimbabwe notes and really go nuts. I have a 100,000,000,000,000 (that's one hundred trillion) note from Zimbabwe's Mugabe days where the economy was destroyed. It's like converting from the old Italian Lira to Dollars in the good old days – it required a calculator and wine.

I am going to miss my multi-currency life when it was always a fun challenge to hold dollars until the perfect rate showed up (when you have enough dollars, 1.15 vs. 1.18 can make a big difference) and I could get a great deal.

It's the little things that make film producers happy. Starting on time. Finishing on time. Snagging a great rate with the FOREX.

Dollars are boring.

#learningtoamerica

#huffingtonpost

#repatriation

#expat