Leo Valdez- Learning to Live

Chapter 19

Sorry, meant to have this out earlier, but then I didn't. :)

Bless you all, btw. You left me so many comments last time and I just. It means a lot. So thanks.

I don't own PJO/HOO. Warnings for talking about past abuse but like it's very vague.

Will watched as Leo paced frantically back and forth.

Something had changed since the last time they had met. Leo was far more open, answering Will's questions honestly (he assumed) and even asking a few of his own. He was definitely in a better mindset, and it filled Will with hope to see.

But they weren't out of the woods yet.

"I don't get it."

"What don't you get?" Will asked patiently.

"I figured out a long time ago that I'm worthless, and I deserve this. And once I knew that, everything made sense. But now literally everyone is telling me that I got it wrong. So what if I did?"

Will the friend wanted to loudly exclaim that of course he did, of course he's not worthless, of course he doesn't deserve this. Will the therapist wasn't sure if that was an appropriate reaction.

He settled on a simple, "And what would it mean if you did?" Asking questions was good, right? You were supposed to keep the patient talking. Probably.

Leo startled at that, stopping his anxious movements. "It would mean..." He huffed in frustration, covering his face with his hands for a moment before running them restlessly through his hair. "Well, I don't know! It would mean... something, for sure."

He slumped down onto the couch, burying his head in his hands and leaning forward with his elbows on his knees. One leg bounced with nervous energy.

"What if I got it wrong? Oh gods, what if I did?" he muttered.

Will remained silent, giving Leo a minute to think it over. When it became clear that he wasn't about to say anything else, though, Will decided to prompt him again.

"Leo, what exactly do you think you could be wrong about?"

Leo dropped his hands, tapping his fingers against his knees restlessly, hesitancy written across his face.

"I'm not... I'm not sure. I guess that... Maybe I'm not as worthless as I thought? I mean, I'm definitely worth less than all of you, no doubt about that, but... I don't know. Maybe I'm not... completely useless."

It was a promising sentiment, but Leo flinched as soon as the words left his mouth, as if he would be punished for saying them.

"And if you're not... would that mean that you would want to live?" Will asked carefully.

"Want to? That's not... it's not like that," Leo said, furrowing his eyebrows as he searched for the words. "It's not so much about wanting to live as it is about whether or not I deserve to. I was always so certain that I didn't, but now..." He shrugged helplessly. "Now I just don't know."

Will frowned. He wanted to grip Leo by the shoulders, shake him, and yell at him that of course he deserved to live until he got it through his skull. Unfortunately, the lesson probably wouldn't stick unless Leo came to that conclusion himself.

There was a brief silence during which Will jotted down a few notes about Leo's concerns, which Will fully intended to fill once he was done. Before he got the chance, however, Leo was speaking again.

"I've been feeling a lot better lately, you know. What with the antidepressants and my friends and all that. It's been... kind of nice." He looked down, avoiding Will's eyes.