it was my fault

Chapter 8: did i do something wrong?

Gilbert's perspective

"W-what? No. Not this way." She finally said, looking at me with wide eyes.

I exhaled, finally being able to breath again and my heartbeat slowly started getting back to normal.

My mind wasn't full of worries anymore. Even if she didn't feel the same way about me, I knew she didn't like him.

And that was enough to make me smile.
But now that I think about it, I should have asked 'Do you like anyone?' or something like that. Oh nevermind, too late, because she turned around for some seconds and then let go of my hands, backing off.

"Sorry, I have to go." She announced and ran to her desk.

I decided to respect her privacy and not ask more questions or follow her. While we were holding hands though, she was looking at me with those eyes I adore so dearly much. She didn't seem to care that we were staring at each other and holding hands at the corner of the classroom without saying anything. It was only when she saw something behind her that made her pull away.

I wonder what that was.

—
A few days later, I realized I was being too intense.

I didn't want to be selfish. Maybe Anne was going through something and didn't want to interact with people she didn't know very well, because she wasn't feeling okay. She really did look skeptical and very aware of her every move the next few days. An unknown, deep, self conscious look in her suddenly darkened blue eyes.

Although I love telling myself that I'm part of her inner social circle now, I'm not.
Maybe, just maybe all those months of anticipation lead to me thinking that I actually knew her. I did. Not as well as I thought though. She had always seemed pretty distant from me from the beginning, the truth is, although I really did adore every part of her I knew, I'm slowly realizing. I still do.

Anne is usually a very sociable person, and anyone could tell if they took a glance at her. The concerning part wasn't the fact that she wasn't talking to me, no, it was that I noticed she wasn't really talking to our classmates as much as I remembered. But it was obvious she was especially avoiding me. She wouldn't even look at me. At all.

My thought process shouldn't be so self centered.
It doesn't feel right to assume anything.

Maybe something completely different was going on that had nothing to do with me.
Maybe there was a reason behind all this.

So I remained patient and tried to keep my confusing heartbeat and quick thoughts calm every time I noticed her forcefully avoiding eye contact with me.
I tried to reach out to her a few times after school but it was no use, till one day I managed to catch up.

"Anne!" I called. She didn't seem to hear me.

"Anne! Please wait!" She slowly turned around without looking at me and I was surprised to notice her look so sad. Had I caused this? "Please. Just listen to me, okay?" I shouldn't have said that. She shouldn't have to listen to anyone if she doesn't want to.

She stayed anyway.

"Please tell me what's happening." I was acting intensely again. I couldn't help it, looking at her at this state. She was on the verge of tears.

"I..." She tried.

"Why are you avoiding me? Is something the matter? Is there a problem? If there is, you can always tell me Anne! You're my friend and I hope you trust me, I know I do." I pushed. I hate myself for that. I shouldn't be the one doing the talking right now.

"I...I...I can't tell you." She.. can't tell me?

"You can't?" Wait. "You can't tell me why you are avoiding me?"

"No. And I'm not supposed to talk to you."

Not again. I remember the last time she told me this. I don't need this right now.

"What? Why?" I asked. I can't believe I'm acting like this. I hate coming off as needy, but maybe I deserve some answers.
"And why had you told me that in the day we met too? I was planning on asking you. Did I do anything wrong? Did someone tell you not to talk to me?" The possibility of someone particularly telling Anne not to talk to me sounds completely irrational in my head, but I know how ridiculous some childhood bets or dares can be. I can already feel my blood start boiling.

"I... I have to go, please don't follow me."

She left. I can't believe she just left. Did she not hear the concern in my voice? Did she not see how worried I am?

She clearly needs space. I feel guilty leaving a sobbing girl return home alone without any sort of company or support, but she obviously doesn't want me by her side.

I can't believe I was most likely the reason she was so unhappy.
I can't believe she won't tell me what's going on.

What could I have possibly done to upset her so much?

I think I need space, too.

writer's note (!!): I honestly can't believe I'm continuing a fanfic my 15 year old self wrote. But going back and reading all the things I wrote was so much fun, I laughed a lot (seriously, ath, muffins?). The main reason I'm doing this is because I saw people are still reading. Um.. what? It's insane, thank you? I started writing this when there only was one season available of Anne with an E. Your comments make me laugh SO HARD ("she better be" and people calling gil possessive AGAHAAVHAHA I CAN'T. but y'all right.) Anyway, if you read the note you already know this two POVs thing is repetitive and tiring, so I'm going to change it up a bit! Still first person though.
- athina