A Look Inside

10/10/1978

4:12pm
So today is my 17th birthday and I had to go to school today sadly. It wasn't really all that bad I guess. Billy was there today, after he stormed out of school last week I think it was, he was gone for two days from school. I missed him when he was gone and was still feeling guilty. Gina actually came up to me the other day while he was gone and asked me to the dance. I politely declined because I know Billy likes her a lot. I wouldn't do that to him.
She seemed kinda upset but also she said she understood. I couldn't tell her that Billy likes her because that's not my place, so instead I basically just had to tell her that I didn't think I could go.
Also before I forget, I did go to the library as the note says and it actually was Janice. I was weirded out and shocked all at the same time.
This was my first time meeting Janice in person in general. Everything that I've known about her just came from Billy.
She had chocolate brown hair similar to his, but hers was long and it went down the maybe her chest so not too long, and she wore her hair in waves.
As I was walking up to her she motioned for me to follow her by pointing to the back with the school chairs with her head.
I followed behind her until we both sat down. "Hey, I'm Janice." She spoke kinda quietly. I cocked my eyebrow at her confused. "I know."
She looked a bit offended how I said that, but honestly she crept to my window while I was sleeping and left a vague note so I don't care at this point.
"I wanted to get you here so I could talk to you about something serious...it's about Billy." She whispered.
I just looked at her waiting for her to speak again. I was concerned when she said that so I'm hoping she could read that.
She started tearing up a bit. "I'm sorry, I know I shouldn't be telling you this, but you're the only friend he has ever had..." she broke her whisper a bit as she started crying while speaking.
I nodded my head and put my arm around her shoulders trying my best to comfort her. She put her face in my chest for a second and I held her close until she calmed down again.
After what felt like maybe 5 minutes she regained herself. She looked me in the eyes, hers were a light brown, especially bright while tear filled. She sniffled before speaking again "Billy and I...have been getting physically abused by our parents...and we can't tell anyone because...my parents know Natalie and she would yell at them if she knew...and then we would get it worse.."she broke down crying again.
All I could do at that point was hold her close to me again and rub her hair as she cried in my neck.
Honestly I didn't know how to feel or what to say, and especially didn't know why I was the one she specifically told and not the cops or child protective services maybe. But I didn't want to make her feel worse so I just sat there. I didn't question it either, because maybe she just needed to tell. I want to help now that I know but I just don't know how. I did end up taking her to get something to eat after with some of that $8 I was saving. I do miss Andy but after what I found out I just, felt like she was too important in that moment versus that $8.
Plus since today is my birthday and I got my presents, which was not the Wonder Woman comic. Dad gave me birthday money, he gave me $10, and mom ended up buying me a few new band shirts. So I can't complain.
Dad also agreed to letting me sign up for drivers ed next semester, which I'm stoked about.
Billy did wish me a happy birthday at school today and he actually smiled for once, well that I've seen personally. I don't know if he knows that I know, but it kills me now because I have a lot of anxiety around him right now. I don't want to say the wrong thing or make him angry. He's unpredictable honestly and I'm starting to like him a lot, but it's terrifying.
I also didn't tell him about Gina asking me, I didn't know how he would quite react to that either. As my present from him, he gave me some pot and some smokes, which I was very grateful for. Obviously it was behind the school, so a teacher couldn't see.
Also I'm on my first week of studying my science project now, it's due in a month for the start of our semester big project. I honestly don't care what grade I get on it as long as it's better than D. I just want to focus on school so I can graduate and move back to Oregon, maybe not my home town, but definitely close enough to Andy.
Dad did let me use the house phone today to call Andy, and Andy wished me a happy birthday. I wish I could remember more in detail what he said to me like I could Janice, but big news usually sticks to me more than chatting about my birthday. I did talk to him for 15 minutes before dad made us hang up. The only parts I can really remember are him telling me about how him and Lisa are officially dating now, and that his mom also found a new boyfriend finally, and I'm really happy for them both honestly. I just hope neither of them get hurt. I also felt guilty because the only thing I had on my mind was Janice and Billy and how anxious I am now knowing they're at home and probably getting hurt and there's nothing I can do about it.
I want to cry and rip my hair out, I've had such bad anxiety since Janice told me everything and Gina, I just want to break down. I think I'm going to have a mental snap soon. I really haven't had one in so long, the last time I did dad threatened to get me sent to the psych hospital. I've heard how bad they are and that terrifies me, and makes me even more anxious.
I'm numb, and anxious, all in one.

Honestly I just wish this day could end, but also I just wish everything would stop so I could feel like I can breathe and not feel so drowned by my thoughts.

I hate living sometimes.