The Fear of the Past

Can Stella Keep Going?

Stella's POV:

I look at Kelly, willing him to say something. Anything. Maybe I am waiting for him to look away like everyone else.

I have only shared my past with only two people before this. I don't speak to either of them anymore. They slowly stopped speaking to me after I told them. To tell Kelly about my past, the man I love, is so frightening to me because if I lose him over this it will break me.

His silence is unbearable and I look away from him. Fear builds inside of me and his silence is suffocating.

"I am trying to figure out what to say." He says breaking the silence. I let out my breath which I didn't realize I was holding. "I know 'I'm so sorry' doesn't cover everything but Stella I cannot imagine how difficult it was for you to grow up taking care of your mother and constantly worrying over her." I look up to meet his eyes again. They are glassy. His voice is strained, thick with a mix of emotions.

"I've have only told two people about my past before, and telling you is both difficult and terrifying for me. I don't speak to those two people anymore, they slowly stopped speaking to me after I told them."

"Why does it terrify you to tell me about your past? Do you really think I am going to stop speaking to you because you have to courage to tell me about your past?."

"Yes and no. I am worried that you'll see red and go on a crusade or shut down."

"Look, I know I haven't had the best track record when it comes to my emotions and how I react to things, but I wouldn't do something like that when it comes to this. I don't want to cause you anymore fear or anxiety. We don't have to continue to talk about it if you don't want to, I don't want to push you, but I am here for you Stella. I love you." He scoots closer to me and wraps an arm around me, pulling me closer to him. I fall into him, letting his embrace take over me and calm me.

"I want to continue, I want you to know. I love you too," I say snuggling my head into the crook of his neck.

"For the next part we are going to have to go into the living room where the file boxes are."

"Okay." He shifts and stands offering me his hand. I take it, and pull myself off the bed. Fear bubbles up again and I can taste its bitterness in my mouth. He rolls open the door from his bedroom and we make our way to the couch. I walk over to the boxes with the police reports with the photos that documented my abuse over the years.

"Let me help you." Kelly says, standing.

"I've got it." I says wanting to prolong the moment before I tell him what's in these boxes.

"Stella, you can barely walk, I had to help you get undressed. You are still badly injured and I don't want you to hurt yourself, I know you are independent and you want to do things yourself but you need help right now and those boxes look heavy." I bite my lip. He's right. But it doesn't make it any easier to let him help me.

"Fine, you can help." I say with an overdramatic sigh, rolling my eyes. He chuckles and makes his way over to me.

"Which boxes am I grabbing?"

"Those two." I say pointing to the two in front of me.

"Got it. You make your way back to the couch and I'll get these." He says shooing me towards the couch.

"Haha." He gives me a pointed look and steps towards me a playful gleam in his eyes and I think he might make a move to pick me up and put me on the couch. "Okay, okay," I say putting my hands up and surrendering, "I'm going, I'm going." He brings the two boxes over to me and puts them on the coffee table on the side closest to me.