We Are Broken (Tayley)

A Different First Time

To all of you who commented on Sunshine, first thank you so much! Second, you're all adorable but you knew that was coming. Anyways, I guess this is the point where stuff starts getting more so fucked up. I hope you like it and what's happening and everything! Trigger warning, I guess, for later chapters. I don't know. I love you all!

Saturday, I picked up Sarah-Beth and we drove to the park. My hands were visibly shaking and I was already starting to regret saying I would do something so reckless and stupid. There was no reason to do this, I could back out at any time, I kept telling myself things like this, but I knew they weren't true. Even if Taylor weren't going, I was pretty sure Sarah-Beth would make me stay true to my word. But Taylor was in fact going, and I refused to look like a pansy and a quitter in front of him.

I didn't know what it was, in fact I was pretty sure he wouldn't care, but I wanted to do this to prove something to him. I guess it was because he knew that base two was enough to wake me up and seeing something that might be blood made me gag. I already looked like a baby to him, I was sure. This was the one thing I could think of that would have a chance at making him take me seriously. 

We got to the park about half an hour before we said we would be there, but I still recognized Taylor's car. Parking next to it, I told Sarah-Beth to stay put while I talked to him. Getting out, I walked around the back of our cars and knocked on his passenger seat window. He looked over at me and unlocked the door. Sitting next to him, I spoke.

"Why are you here so early?" I asked and he actually turned to face me while we conversed for once.

"I had nothing else to do. Besides, I like to be the first one there. Why are you here?" He spoke in short, to the point sentences.

"I was just bored so I picked up Sarah-Beth and we came here, I guess," I told him. He was staring at my face but not looking in my eyes and for some reason I couldn't tell if that was a good thing or not.

"No, Williams, I mean why are you here at all? You obviously don't want to do this, so why would you? No one is forcing you to, as far as I know." I was quiet for a long time, then. When he said that I realized how stupid my reason was.

"Sarah-Beth has been different since she started and not in a good way. Maybe if I do what she does, I'll change in the same ways she is and I won't lose her as a friend." I said hesitantly.

"That's a pretty dumbass reason. I won't stop you, I just want to be sure you know what you're in for. A lot of people throw their lives away over things like this and you seem very invested in your future." I turned away from him and stared straight ahead then. I didn't want to look at him anymore. It was odd, his voice sounded like he didn't give a shit but what he said made it seem sure that he did.

"Why do you care?" I asked, unsure of what else to say.

"I don't. You do, though." He replied and I sighed heavily.

"Well, I'm doing it if you're doing it." I realized I sounded like a child but I couldn't take back the words.

"Good luck," Was all he said in reply before Sarah-Beth got out of my car and yelled at us to hurry up. We walked around the park for a few minutes before Jeanette and Nicki showed up, but it was mostly just Sarah-Beth talking, me nodding and occasionally saying something, and Taylor ignoring her.

Every second went by too quickly after that. I didn't want to do this, but I knew I was going to anyway. It seemed like a dream, or more so a nightmare, when Jeanette passed me the smoking roll of paper.

It wasn't like smoking cigarettes was. It was horrible. It tasted like shit and, if anything, it just made me want to puke. I didn't though. I forced myself to take another drag and passed it to Taylor. Sarah-Beth, Nicki, and Jeanette were already high from whatever they had been doing before they came, so they quit before Taylor and I. Eventually, it was just the two of us passing it back and forth. He was looking ahead, at a tree or something like that, but I was staring at him again. He was just sitting there like it wasn't doing anything.